Tag: celebrities

Celebrity Relationships now Measured in Dog Years
4Dec By jeff37 Comments
Celebrities

Celebrity Relationships now Measured in Dog Years

Celebrity relationships are best held to a different standard - not to say that it should necessarily be lower, per se, just different.  Since it's been well-established that celebrities are not normal human beings, but heavenly bodies, they shouldn't be held to regular, boring conceptions of love and commitment. By common standards, a long relationship is anywhere between 20 and 30 years.  By celebrity standards, however, a long-term commitment can be anywhere between one and five (months).  If a celebrity couple makes it past an inconceivable ten years, it leaves them open to criticism as to whether they were truly a celebrity, which would be far worse than if they were to break off the relationship. Think of it this way: we would never expect a puppy to live past 15 full years, so...
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Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger
25Feb By jeff37 Comments
Celebrities

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger

All we need is Beyonce In shocking news last week, the United Nations World Food Programme announced an official end to world hunger. The reason: Beyonce's pregnancy photos. "Shocking? Puh-leeeease!" said one irate beehive member in response to how this colossal news is being characterized. "What's so shocking about the Queen solving world problems?! Tell me. I ain't even playing right now." According to the UN (and other programs all over the globe), people no longer feel the desire to eat; or really do anything except stare at Bey. "When we arrive on site to poverty stricken areas," offered one UN doctor, "we are not being met with hordes of hungry people asking for rice or other grains anymore.  They are asking us for Instagram." We interviewed a number of people from various coun...
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Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now
10Dec By jeff20 Comments
Celebrities

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now

We’ve lived on this planet for thirty-five years now, and though we have easily adopted their mannerisms, assumed their practices, and assimilated their languages, we think it’s safe to say there are some things that we will never understand – as sure as Rumyliak has three suns and Gorpin was a grifter. Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “celebrities”. For the longest time, we thought the humans were reviving the study of Astrology because of their constant references to the stars. Only later did Mhkkiklab point out that they were actually referring to people. And so, logically, our subsequent debate was on whether or not these particular humans had a higher atomic number count than most. Need...
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Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say
17Feb By jeff22 Comments
Celebrities

Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say

According to a contact of ours that has a very, very close acquaintance that knows people who are “in the know”, those particular people always know what they’re talking about when they talk about things heard from actual friends of celebrities. In other words, we have it on good authority that our source’s hearsay is authoritative. Our gossip is so good that we’ve been approached by OMG! and TMZ on a number of occasions to fill in the tiniest gaps on their usually solid stories. If you haven’t heard, we were the ones who gave them these juicy bits: -Lady Gaga to sue Ice Cream Limited for production of ice cream machine strap-on bra (called Malted Mammaries) -Matt Damon takes a really big bite of his cheeseburger (at an Italian restaurant!) -Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan to...
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Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts
22Jan By jeff25 Comments
Celebrities

Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts

LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, almost debilitating, normal thoughts”. “Justin has had a serious relapse, but he is getting the help he needs,” said Braun.  “Our team of celebrity psychiatrists have assured me that Justin will not suffer any long-term effects from these thoughts and that he will be back to spreading Bieber Fever in no time.” According to sources close to the Biebers, the incident occurred after Justin witnessed his half-brother put his pant legs on one at a time.  This supposedly caused the pop sensation to crawl up into the fetal position and call out, “Baby, No!  Baby, baby,...
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