NASA Scientists Confirm World does Revolve around Kanye West

On March 22, 2017, Doctor Thomas J. Eckleburg of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was reviewing photographs of the sun–beamed back to Earth from the recently launched fARK space telescope–when he made an astonishing discovery. Staring back at him from each and every photograph with eyes of fierce golden flame was the burning visage of Kanye West.

Just as Copernicus before him had once declared the Earth in revolution around a ball of fire known as the Sun, Dr. Eckleburg uncovered that for the 4.5 billion years the world has existed, it has really been centered around what many consider to be the most enlightened mind of human history.

“You see, Kanye is often mistakenly believed to have been born in June 8, 1977, when in reality he was, is, and always shall be the center of all things alive. I for one have always suspected this,” Dr. Eckleburg explained, now proudly sporting a pair of Yeezys, “but the rest of the scientific community just never had the evidence.” Indeed, while the rest of the world had clung onto the now debunked theory that the Sun is a fireball of sorts, Dr. Eckleburg has long been in search of truth. “I just cannot tell you how frustrating it has been to know with absolute certainty that such a brilliant man simply must be the center of the world, and yet lack the data to prove it. I was a Darwin without his Huxley, if I may make that comparison.”

Yet, in truth, Dr. Eckleburg was never alone. Around the world, his revelation has sent millions into fits of rapturous passion, taking to the streets and hoisting banners reading, “We told you so!”

“It’s so fitting,” one demonstrator exclaimed, “that the greatest star of the history of the Earth should be the closest star to the Earth!”

“Kanye rises in the West!” the crowds cheered.

Some, however, have been far more aggressive in their belief.

“You’re all idiots. How could you not see this? How many times has he had to remind us about this? He is a God! For goodness’s sake, he made a whole song about it! How blind can you be? Seriously, just how blind,” vented Charlie Mannsen, long-time believer of Kanyecentrism, “At any rate, I think a return to sun worship is long overdue.”

29 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Discover more from Iron E-News

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading