Man just Wishes We Could all Go Back to Eating Iceberg Lettuce Again

Hugh Humphries went out to dinner with his family last night to a place they commonly frequent. He ordered a salad. Everything went downhill from there.

“You know, I’ve finally gotten used to the fact that I have to eat salads for dinner now,” Hugh offered morosely, “but does it have to be all weeds and grass? What happened to the days when you could go into a place, order a steak and baked potato, and know that your side salad was going to be mostly iceberg, cheese, and ranch dressing? I mean, can I have a little more insult with this injury, please?!”

“Arugula, spinach, frisee, radicchio,” Hugh said, becoming more agitated as he went on. “Mache, mizuna, purslane (what the **** is that?), speckled radicchio (yeah, cause normal radicchio isn’t enough), Blushed Butter oak, Butter crunch, Carmona, Divina, Kweik (now they’re just making crap up), Pirat, Summer Bib, Victoria and, last but not least, kale. Oh no, don’t forget your kale. Have you had your kale juice this morning? Did you put kale oil in your diffuser? Did you sleep on a bed of kale?”

“Oh and there’s Austrian Greenleaf, Bijou, Black Seeded Simpson, Bronze Leaf, Brunia, Cracoviensis, Fine Frilled, Gold Rush, Green Ice, New Red Fire, Oakleaf, Perilla Green, Perilla Red, Merlot, Merveille De Mai…

Brown Golding, Chaos Mix II black, Chaos Mix II white, Devil’s Tongue, Dark Green Romaine, De Morges Braun, Hyper Red Rumple, Little Leprechaun, Mixed Chaos black, Mixed Chaos white, Nova F3, Nova F4 black, Nova F4 white, Paris Island Cos, Valmaine, and Winter Density…”

Hugh went on for quite some time but we were becoming hungry. For anything else.