Study: Oreo’s Gateway Snack to Harder Snacks

Oreo’s best when crunched up and snorted

A study was published a while ago by scientists who are finally focusing on something we care about: the Oreo cookie.

Their findings only confirmed what the public has felt down in their guts for some time–something which can best be summed up in the wise words of Mr. Stuart Mackenzie: “They put an addictive chemical in it that makes ya crave it fortnightly!” (should be read in a Scottish accent)

Apparently, the ingredients found in the famous American cookie have the same effect on the brain as various addictive drugs such as cocaine and morphine, which explains why some rats were found in the corner putting the creamy center into gram-sized plastic baggies.

As soon as the results were released, a statement was issued by the Food and Drug Administration saying, “Though we have known about this for some time, we felt that the American public were adults (well, except for the kids) and could make the right health decisions on their own. I mean, it’s not like someone’s going to sit down and eat entire sleeves in one sitting!”

The federal government, however, was alarmed by the news and felt that, though the black and white cookie was acceptable in small doses, it would only act as a “gateway” snack to more dangerous items such as Dingdongs, Twinkies, and Oatmeal Cream Pies.

Nabisco and Little Debbie were unavailable for comment.