Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

“This is not glued to my head, as some of you may think.”

Harold Crumbs, also known as Voldvaderon to millions of online gamers, is 98 percent sure he can move things with his brain.

It all started when he was young and he noticed that the second hand on the clock on his bedroom dresser only moved when he was looking at it. When he saw this, something awoke inside of him.

“In that moment,” recounted Mr. Crumbs. “I knew my life would never be the same. It was then and there I decided I would only reveal my power when the time was right.”

Not counting the millions of times he has bent his own fingers even while thinking, “Don’t bend your fingers,” Harold has successfully closed a door, melted ice, and made a candle flicker over and over–all with the power of his mind (and all of which, apparently, is just a warm up for what Harold calls “The Big Show”).

“You don’t know how many times I’ve been tempted to grab a cold one from my chair to impress a chick or make my pee float into my neighbor’s toilet, but I don’t do it for obvious reasons.”

Mr. Crumbs has told us that no one knows (nor can they know!) about his special abilities for fear of certain reprisals and life-altering consequences.

We have assured Harold that his secret is safe with us.