How to Make Yourself Feel Better if You’re Self-Published

In case your only way to self-help has been self-medication, here are a few other ways to feel better about yourself if you are self-published:

Burn everything you’ve ever written and don’t ever mention your writing to anyone ever again. Ever.

When telling people you’re self-published, always mumble the word “self” and say the published part really loudly. And then go right into how you hate your editor and all the changes you have to endure. You won’t be lying when you say this because people who are self-published are generally their own editors. Then walk away abruptly so they don’t have a chance to ask you any other questions (this will help build your persona).

Leave out the word “self” altogether. This also won’t be a lie because you are published in some sense of the word. Otherwise, why would they call it that and not “self-deluded” or something similar? If it comes out later that you are self-published just quote something really obscure and tell them you cherish your privacy. And then walk away abruptly.

Preface all your conversations with how hard it is to break into the increasingly cutthroat online market; how it takes a different kind of savvy to really get yourself out there (and how they, the un-self-published ones, wouldn’t understand).

Cast yourself as the misunderstood genius. Call everyone else sellout trendy hacks who don’t care about truth and beauty but just whore their craft out to the highest bidder. Continue to quote extremely obscure lines at conferences and parties and then roll your eyes in derision when they don’t know who or what you’re quoting. And remember, above all else, you be the one to walk away. This keeps you in control of things–just like your own writing!