Doubles Luge to Add More Men to Sled

In an effort to increase viewership during the Winter Games, the Olympic Committee announced a few changes to the event itinerary. The first adjustment came to the very normal men’s team luge event.

“Although arguably already an interesting sport given the fact there are two grown men on a sled that’s made for half a person,” IOC President Thomas Bach said, “we feel it still has room for improvement (the men don’t have room, of course, but the event does).”

“This is a great sport!” shouted one fan fanatically. “Two dudes in spandex laying on each other and streaking down the ice on a tiny sled! What’s not to love?” Mr. Bach revealed that up to three extra men could be piled on the sled for 2022. “The math is simple from a marketing point of view,” Mr. Bach revealed. “More men means a greater level of difficulty which obviously means an increased level of interest for the viewers. We plan to add two men right away and see how that goes. I imagine the winners will simply be the team that gets all four or five men across the finish line.”

Mr. Bach was also kind enough to give us a short list of potential changes to other Winter events (most of which were inspired by popular TV shows):

-Fire and Ice Pairs Skating, Game of Thrones edition: basically, ethanol and rubbing alcohol will be poured over the ice and then set on fire; possibly poured on the losing teams as well

-The Sliding Dead (aka Cadaver Curling): instead of “stones”, curlers will push the deceased across the ice

-The Hunting Games: the biathletes will be given real rifles and real targets to hunt and take down (all kills will be used for above mentioned curling event)

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