U.S. – Page 3 – Iron E-News

18Mar

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

McDonald’s Acknowledges McRegret

McRegret is a very real thing McDonald's CEO, Steve Easterbrook, held a press conference yesterday to finally acknowledge a condition that millions and millions of customers around the globe have had to struggle with for years, sometimes decades: McRegret. Following mounting pressure from the FDA as well as a few civil lawsuits they were facing, the company decided to get ahead of the story and come clean. "We at McDonald's Co. officially recognize what has been confirmed by the American Medical Association and the FDA as a very serious emotional condition--similar to PTSD--that has affected countless numbers of Double and Triple cheeseburger-eaters across our shared planet. And we would like to express our sympathies by giving every customer a free Super Size of Shame on their next v...

Bank of America Changes Name to ‘Bend over America’ as Part of Honesty Campaign

2Mar

By jeff12 Comments

U.S.

Bank of America Changes Name to ‘Bend over America’ as Part of Honesty Campaign

NEW YORK—Bank of America Corp. launched its new and improved "honesty campaign" yesterday as part of a nationwide strategy to win back its soul. To solidify their commitment to the campaign, lawyers for the worldwide entity have been commissioned to change the official name of the bank to Bend Over America. Coinciding with this momentous achievement is BofA's ingenious "Ram-You-In-The-Rear" Automated Teller Machine. Or, in the words of their new slogan: "Why lose your money when you can lose your dignity as well? Come bank with us!" According to the designers of the original prototype, the customer, upon entering the ATM, receives his/her payment in "full" while images of corporate bigwigs laugh and dance on the screen in a fun, kaleidoscope of colors. "Basically, we're tired...

1Mar

By jeff10 Comments

U.S.

US Kids Say they Would Happily Read More Videos

A recent survey conducted by the people at Gallup reveals that 10 out of 10 students would read a book everyday if it were converted into video format (or, at the very least, into a thread of compelling GIF files). They even said that they wouldn’t mind helping the adults with the conversion process since they usually had to help mom and dad and the grandparents with computer stuff anyway. We talked to a few kids about the popular PBS TV series, Reading Rainbow, to get their thoughts on the program and the importance of reading. “A TV show about reading? Isn’t that encouraging kids to watch TV and not read books?” one smart aleck kid asked. “I mean, if you want us to read books, why do you keep making TV shows for us to watch?” Another kid, local know-it-all, Katy Mc...

28Feb

By jeff21 Comments

U.S.

Grammarian Exposes Dangling Participle

Grammar specialist and former Literary Arts professor, Dr. Graham Hurnotzy, was the subject of a major academic inquest last year following the horrid scandal of an exposed participle during a faculty get-together gone wild. According to his colleagues, Dr. Hurnotzy got a bit rambunctious after their quiz bowl win and lost all sense of propriety. “I just don’t know what he was thinking,” one tenured professor admitted. “It was shocking, really.” Dangling out there for the whole world to see, the good Dr. claimed that it was all a misunderstanding and that he was merely showing them what not to do when constructing their sentences. “Uhuh, right,” responded another faculty member quite skeptically. “And participial phrases don’t need gerunds (chuckles sarcastically). Am I righ...

23Feb

By jeff24 Comments

U.S.

Study: Guns Linked to Gun Violence

According to the American Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, a recent study revealed that, of all crimes committed in the United States with a firearm, 100% of those crimes had guns involved. This new evidence, though inconclusive about the factors that lead to violence, clearly shows that firearms have a role in crimes related to firearms. “We’re relieved, actually,” said one relieved chief of police. “We now have indisputable proof that shows the tens of thousands of people killed every year by bullets were shot by a weapon. We’re happy to know some sicko isn’t out there digging holes in people’s chests and planting bullets inside their bodies, because that would be disturbing.” Though the reaction over the data has been varied due to variables in ...

Statue of Liberty Speaks: “My Arm’s Tired”

20Feb

By jeff10 Comments

U.S.

Statue of Liberty Speaks: “My Arm’s Tired”

After more than a century of silence, the Statue of Liberty has finally spoken. Yesterday evening, as the last few tourists climbed her viewing platforms, she shocked the U.S. and the rest of the world when she revealed her ability to communicate. The young girl who spoke to her, however, wasn’t surprised at all. Maria Gonzalez, daughter of two Cuban immigrants who came to America in search of a better life, said she had always wanted to see the iconic statue because of all that she had meant to her parents. And from the moment she arrived in New York harbor, she struck up a conversation with her favorite lady, asking her about her likes and hobbies and if she ever had a boyfriend. It was when she asked her how she was doing, that she actually replied. “Maria was simply too...