U.S. – Page 2 – Iron E-News

Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’

10Jun

By jeff11 Comments

U.S.

Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’

NEW YORK — In a surprising series of revelations yesterday, former investment tycoon and current resident of Butner Prison, Bernie Madoff, admitted to the press that he came very close to not going through with his infamous Ponzi scheme back in the late 1970’s. We flew to North Carolina and spoke with him in person. “It was 1975,” Madoff said. “Gerald Ford was president. The Reds had just won the World Series. And I was in love with two things: money and Arthur Fonzerelli. You might say I had a choice to make. But I guess you already know which one won out.” Apparently, Bernie Madoff, the man with high aspirations for even higher finance, was ready to give it all up and go on the road as an impersonator of the Fonze. “It was the perfect scheme.” Even a cursory glance fr...

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

26May

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

Last night, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a report informing the nation of the terrible, reoccurring health and safety issue known as "Swamp Butt". SB, which generally coincides with excessively warm summers, is a condition in which one's butt crack takes on a life of its own and becomes a steaming, wet, inhospitable marsh of death. Although not contagious per se, it is very unpredictable and extremely difficult to manage once symptoms present themselves. "The situation is quickly becoming widespread," reported one CDC agent rather gravely. "And honestly, it's a considerable risk to, well, to anyone who’s not blind. Just to warn you, anyone within a 20 yard radius may be in danger—not of catching it, no—of just being really, really grossed out." Iron E-News s...

FDA Approves New ‘Merdersyl’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart

6May

By jeff25 Comments

U.S.

FDA Approves New ‘Merdersyl’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart

The Food and Drug Administration has issued their approval for a radical new medication that comprehensively solves the sleep disorder known as insomnia. Incidentally, it has also helped solve a number of other unforeseen issues - like the need to ever to wake up again. Initial tests of the drug on human subjects have shown an unprecedented 100% success rate as the subjects have each enjoyed a very, very long rest. According to inside sources, they are still out cold. "Man, this drug really works," a test subject's spouse offered enthusiastically. "After taking one pill, my Tim was sleeping like an angel. And nothing could wake him up either. We're finally gonna get our beauty sleep." Eli Lilly and Company, best known for manufacturing Secobarbital, has begun ramping up pro...

United Airlines to <strike>Force</strike> Give Free MMA Lessons on all Flights

12Apr

By jeff7 Comments

U.S.

United Airlines to Force Give Free MMA Lessons on all Flights

United Airlines, unbeknownst to many customers, has recently begun offering additional incentives to get passengers on overbooked flights to take a later plane. According to an airlines spokesperson, these perks are offered with the customer in mind and are “for their own damn good.” From here on out on overbooked flights, passengers will be offered a number of enticing incentives – from money to vouchers to free mixed martial arts lessons with a security team. Two days ago on a flight out of Chicago O’Hare, Dr. David Dao, a 69 year-old doctor from Kentucky, decided to go with one of the newer incentives. “Dr. Dao wanted the more physical option,” a flight attendant revealed, “because he’s checking things off his bucket list. You don’t hear that part on the video, but he said he...

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

1Apr

By jeff12 Comments

Society, U.S.

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

Sorry, I just needed to check my phone A very important research center released a study last week (that we totally read all the way through and enjoyed very much) detailing groundbreaking information on stuff we're pretty sure you need to know. We believe it to be crucial that you make it all the way through this article. According to the findings, most Americans suffer from something similar to this other thing we read about that was really cool. Basically, they put a group of kids into a "waiting room" and observed their behavior without them knowing it (actually sounds kind of creepy as I'm writing it down). Which brings up some interesting ethical questions regarding personal privacy and observing children - questions such as what are the ethical questions regarding persona...

Rachel Dolezal Finding Exceptance in Liberal Community

31Mar

By jeff8 Comments

U.S.

Rachel Dolezal Finding Exceptance in Liberal Community

Ms. Dolezal encouraging people to run their true 'race' Nkechi Amare Diallo, formerly Rachel Moore, formerly Rachel Anne Dolezal, is a former American civil rights activist (still an American but a former civil rights activist) former Africana instructor (still an instructor - see above photo - but former Africana), and former president of the NAACP chapter in Spokane, WA for one and a half years (possibly still a president of something). She is a self-described "soul sista" who is still defining her own truth. According to defineyourowntruth.com and most of the world, it is possible for anyone nowadays to create the reality they prefer. Whether it be one's sexual preference or one's gender or one's racial identity or even Facebook status, you are free to be who you want to be and neit...