U.S. – Iron E-News

2 Trillion Dollar Bailout Leaves Everyone Thinking “They’ve Had 2 Trillion Dollars this Whole Time!”

27Mar

By jeff33 Comments

U.S.

2 Trillion Dollar Bailout Leaves Everyone Thinking “They’ve Had 2 Trillion Dollars this Whole Time!”

On Wednesday the US Senate approved a historic (is it "a" historic or "an"? I can never remember) stimulus package that left everyone feeling quite positive after such a bipartisan and generous move. It also left everyone with questions: For example, where did the Senate get 2 TRILLION DOLLARS?! Is there a bank inside the Senate that we didn't know about? Is the Senate building made of gold and they're going to have to melt it down now to back the money? Do they have a secret vault like Scrooge McDuck and do they go spelunking in the gold coins from time to time? Are we going to have wait a while for them to print it all? Do they need to borrow my printer for the weekend? If they parted with 2 trillion, how much money do they actually have? No really, we're not mad, we're impressed....

Local Barbecue Found with Weapons Grade Masculinity

30Jan

By jeff21 Comments

U.S.

Local Barbecue Found with Weapons Grade Masculinity

FORT WORTH--An area residence is under investigation tonight after a vigilant neighbor, Sarah Noyeen, called in to report "dangerous levels of masculine behavior" happening right over their shared fence. According to the neighbor, every weekend, Nathaniel Keen gets together with a group of man friends to mansplain the world's issues and do God-else-knows-what. "They drink tons of beer, tell inappropriate jokes, and even wrestle each other on the ground!" Sarah said with eyes widening. "They're gross and needed to be stopped." At Sarah's behest, a Neighborhood Watch team was assembled and sent to the house, along with two local security guards who normally patrol the area. The head of the Watch told us that she uncovered a stash of over 100 bottles of homemade BBQ sauce in the ki...

9 Out of 10 Southerners Aren’t as Stupid as Northerners Think

8Jan

By Jennifer Hollie Bowles34 Comments

U.S.

9 Out of 10 Southerners Aren’t as Stupid as Northerners Think

A shocking new study conducted by the University of BFE in Tallasasaquatchaheely, TX shows that only 10% of Southerners are as stupid as Northerners think--or as Northern teachers tell students in history classes. It turns out that 90% of Southerners do not: 1) Have sex with their cousins or other family members, 2) Think all people that are not white should be slaves or die, 3) Have more than one abandoned vehicle on their properties, 4) Eat only potatoes and pig fat, 5) Wear overalls, 6) Spend most of their time chewing tobacco, or 7) Have rebel flags. Additionally, 90% of Southerners do: 1) Clean their feet, 2) Have running water, and 3) Pass the 3rd grade. The study further revealed that some assumptions about Southerners are 80-90% correct, but these assumptions, according to...

6Oct

By David Plumb24 Comments

U.S.

Airport Security Measures to be Revised

A $100 permit and microchip implant a must for iguana identification? Too many iguanas? Watch out. Iguanas growing to be 6 feet long? May live 20 years? Terrorist iguanas? Never mind iguanas. Forget it. Just take off your shoes and don’t bring too much shampoo or shaving lotion to the airport. Is your pen poison? Are you a little weird in the lips, oddly dressed, say a suit and tie? Well, stand by. No micro chips yet, but we hired a few thousand donkeys at the airports to search our “iguana” for weapons of mass eruption, fondling our parts and bags, dipping into the nothing they so dearly love. Heaven help your orange for lunch. Have a pretzel, a plastic glass of coke. No iguanas on the plane. We double fine iguanas and no gum. A seemingly innocent man in blue suit, b...

Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles

13Aug

By jeff13 Comments

U.S.

Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles

"I lost my marbles!" Gary exclaimed in a near fever-pitch frenzy as he rallied all his dorm buddies from their quiet collegiate slumber. "Josh! Clint! Armitage! You know how I get without my F***ING MARBLES!" he pleaded, now in complete hysterics. Gary Choad, an avid white piece only chess player and current resident assistant at UVA (University of Virginia), has had a fascination with little balls his whole life. And his prized marbles--housed in a white velvet sack and monogrammed with his own initials--are known to friends and family alike as 'off limits'. We talked to some of Gary's compatriots to see how the hunt was coming and to ask if they were forming a study group later. "We haven't been this pumped since a Gap opened on campus," one searcher said cheerily. "Even...

American Youth Locked in a Room and Forced to Read

2Jul

By jeff18 Comments

U.S.

American Youth Locked in a Room and Forced to Read

A young boy from a town as normal as the next, recounts a scene so horrific that it just might make you pee your pants. He is like any other kid his age. You might even call him “the kid next door.” His neighbors do. He plays on his Wii and Xbox most days and, when he’s not doing that, he’s looking at memes on 9Gag in between his favorite TV shows and YouTube videos. But, according to Daryl (not his real name), on June 20, 2017 something so terrible happened it almost shouldn’t be told (in fact, it almost wasn’t because his account consisted of so many “Oh my GERDs” and “Trollolols” we had no idea what he was saying, until we got his English teacher to translate). “It’s still so hard to talk about,” Daryl recounted slowly as he rocked back and forth in his chair, the dim light ...