World

North Korea to Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird!”
12Feb By jeff26 Comments
Dictators

North Korea to Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird!”

In the middle of yesterday’s high-level talks between the two Koreas–a country at war with itself since the early 50s–the North issued a shocking reversal of policy regarding its ever-mounting nuclear program. Here is a rough translation of the official statement: “For the love of God, BRING BACK THE FLAPPING BIRDS!  We’ll disarm.  We’ll unify.  We’ll do whatever you want!  Just give us our precious little birdie back!” This reversal came on the heels of a decision by Vietnamese developer, Dong Nguyen, to pull the popular game from online app stores. It’s safe to say the reaction he got over his highly pixelated two-dimensional game was…unexpected. Pulling in upwards of 50,000 USD a day through ads and quickly rising to the number one spot in online stores, Flappy Bird took ...
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Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit
20Mar By jeff22 Comments
World

Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit

GREENLAND–Last year, a melting glacier known as the Petermann glacier calved off a sizable chunk of ice approximately twice the size of Manhattan. And the Inuit couldn’t be happier. Apparently, the Greenlandic natives have been benefiting from global warming trends for quite some time. Much of the ice that has been breaking off of these glaciers is going directly into their handmade water pouches. “Oh yeah. It’s the yak’s pajamas!” said local fisherman Imnek. “When life gives us lemons, we make glacially iced lemonade. You should try some.” Scientists at the Intergovernmental Panel for Climate Change (a branch of the United Nations located in Geneva, Switzerland) are almost unanimous in their consensus as to the chief cause; though a few have noted that the Earth has gone through warming...
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Dead Pigs in Shanghai River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Officials Say
13Mar By jeff21 Comments
China

Dead Pigs in Shanghai River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Officials Say

SHANGHAI–Chinese officials have released an official statement today on the reason behind the almost 3,000 porcine carcasses found floating in the Huangpu river. The well-timed statement has successfully lifted the fog of mystery surrounding this formerly intriguing incident and, at the same time, brought a sigh of relief to a tense and worried urban population. Shanghai’s new mayor, Yang Xiong, assured the city’s residents that this had nothing to do with harmful chemicals or pollutants from China’s environmentally-friendly factories as some have spuriously suggested. Apparently, the spirit pig became insanely jealous with all the attention being lavished on China’s serpentine golden boys–the dragon and dragon junior–and so, obviously, he sacrificed 2,800 willing volunteers to br...
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China Responds to Drought–Offers Farmers Free Wood for Coffins
25Feb By jeff15 Comments
China

China Responds to Drought–Offers Farmers Free Wood for Coffins

YUNNAN–In the quiet, almost pastoral outskirts of northwest Yunnan, an elderly gentleman sits in the afternoon sun humming a familiar tune and patiently working on his long, rectangular box of wood–or future home, of sorts. The local Chinese government, in response to the longterm drought caused primarily by extensive damming projects, has generously begun to supply farmers with free wood so they, like Ming Xu, can begin to plan for the future. “I retired a few months ago from working the land,” said Ming Xu, “basically because there was no real land to work anymore, and started going stir-crazy inside the house. That’s when my wife told me I needed a hobby; so I decided to try my hand at carpentry.” “Everybody needs a hobby. Everybody (especially when they’re my age) needs someth...
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Satire Accuses the Real World of Plagiarism
1May By jeff18 Comments
World

Satire Accuses the Real World of Plagiarism

EARTH—The third planet from the sun is in serious trouble again and this time it’s not global warming. One week ago, representatives from the law offices of Irony, Mockery, Wit, and Fred notified the blue and green satellite that their client, Mrs. Satire, was officially taking it to court (location still being decided) on charges of plagiarism, intellectual property theft, and conspiracy. Because of our vast connections, Iron E-News was able to obtain an abbreviated list of some of the evidence being presented in the case. We offer it to you for free: The same people that told us it was going to happen in the 1st century, in 1792, in 1988, in 1989, and then (everyone’s personal favorite) in Y2K, are now saying the world will officially end in the year 2012. *Both Hollywood and Ea...
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Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Vote on which Men will Make All the Decisions
22Sep By jeff29 Comments
World

Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Vote on which Men will Make All the Decisions

RIYADH–In a historic step towards equality, Saudi women can now cast their ballot for which men they want to control their lives. Coming on the heels of a similar directive, which allowed women to choose which shade of very black they wanted, this decision has equal implications and even greater value for all involved. The progressive move from the great egalitarian monarch–whether political, conciliatory, or both–is unparalleled in the ultra-conservative kingdom and comes at just the right time. Along with the edict, King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al Saud has attached a clause which requires the woman to drive to the voting place herself which, of course, is illegal and carries a heavy fine or a penalty of 10 lashes.  According to his secretary, he thought that the women should hav...
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