World – Page 5 – Iron E-News

Man in Tinfoil Hat Sounding More Normal Every Day

8Mar

By jeff16 Comments

World

Man in Tinfoil Hat Sounding More Normal Every Day

The man you see in the above picture, once labeled by society as looney tunes; once cast aside as fringe material; once mocked as a conspiratorial cuckoo, should not be dismissed or ignored any longer. He is the new normal. "...the illegal leaks! and classifieds! and information! and the illegal leaks! It is a total witch hunt!" "THE MAN had my wires tapped in my tower! Even when he's 'not' here, he's still 'here' You can't see him, but only I see him. He's here right now." "THEY'RE LISTENING!" "Pretty sure--scratch that--definite proof (located in my mind castle) that phones were tapped." "Fake news media (failing @NYTimes @NBCNews @ABC @CNN @CBS) is not my enema, it is the enema of the American people!" "Salem witch hunters!" "I heard THE MAN liked to smoke Sal...

Bank of America Changes Name to ‘Bend over America’ as Part of Honesty Campaign

2Mar

By jeff12 Comments

U.S.

Bank of America Changes Name to ‘Bend over America’ as Part of Honesty Campaign

NEW YORK—Bank of America Corp. launched its new and improved "honesty campaign" yesterday as part of a nationwide strategy to win back its soul. To solidify their commitment to the campaign, lawyers for the worldwide entity have been commissioned to change the official name of the bank to Bend Over America. Coinciding with this momentous achievement is BofA's ingenious "Ram-You-In-The-Rear" Automated Teller Machine. Or, in the words of their new slogan: "Why lose your money when you can lose your dignity as well? Come bank with us!" According to the designers of the original prototype, the customer, upon entering the ATM, receives his/her payment in "full" while images of corporate bigwigs laugh and dance on the screen in a fun, kaleidoscope of colors. "Basically, we're tired...

1Mar

By jeff10 Comments

U.S.

US Kids Say they Would Happily Read More Videos

A recent survey conducted by the people at Gallup reveals that 10 out of 10 students would read a book everyday if it were converted into video format (or, at the very least, into a thread of compelling GIF files). They even said that they wouldn’t mind helping the adults with the conversion process since they usually had to help mom and dad and the grandparents with computer stuff anyway. We talked to a few kids about the popular PBS TV series, Reading Rainbow, to get their thoughts on the program and the importance of reading. “A TV show about reading? Isn’t that encouraging kids to watch TV and not read books?” one smart aleck kid asked. “I mean, if you want us to read books, why do you keep making TV shows for us to watch?” Another kid, local know-it-all, Katy Mc...

28Feb

By jeff21 Comments

U.S.

Grammarian Exposes Dangling Participle

Grammar specialist and former Literary Arts professor, Dr. Graham Hurnotzy, was the subject of a major academic inquest last year following the horrid scandal of an exposed participle during a faculty get-together gone wild. According to his colleagues, Dr. Hurnotzy got a bit rambunctious after their quiz bowl win and lost all sense of propriety. “I just don’t know what he was thinking,” one tenured professor admitted. “It was shocking, really.” Dangling out there for the whole world to see, the good Dr. claimed that it was all a misunderstanding and that he was merely showing them what not to do when constructing their sentences. “Uhuh, right,” responded another faculty member quite skeptically. “And participial phrases don’t need gerunds (chuckles sarcastically). Am I righ...

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

27Feb

By Mike Chase34 Comments

Dictators, Politics

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

"Dear Kim. Can I call you Kim? It's a girl's name. Can I still call you that? I'd like to call you that. My people have a problem. Great people. But people with problems. The problem? Fake News. CNN? Garbage. Fox News? More like low calorie salad dressing. The New York Times? Quilt it, scent it, and make it double-ply... I still wouldn't use it as toilet paper. Breitbart? Good people. Good, good people. I wanted to make Breitbart our exclusive news agency. It'd just be me and some guy in a room. He'd ask me questions about my golf handicap and my favorite color, and then we'd write the stories together. I love cooperating with the press. But my people balked at that. My own people. I ask for loyalty and all I get is "no." N-O. So I need a solution. And...

23Feb

By jeff24 Comments

U.S.

Study: Guns Linked to Gun Violence

According to the American Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, a recent study revealed that, of all crimes committed in the United States with a firearm, 100% of those crimes had guns involved. This new evidence, though inconclusive about the factors that lead to violence, clearly shows that firearms have a role in crimes related to firearms. “We’re relieved, actually,” said one relieved chief of police. “We now have indisputable proof that shows the tens of thousands of people killed every year by bullets were shot by a weapon. We’re happy to know some sicko isn’t out there digging holes in people’s chests and planting bullets inside their bodies, because that would be disturbing.” Though the reaction over the data has been varied due to variables in ...