World

Endangered Gerbil Saved in Sudan
20May By jeff30 Comments
World

Endangered Gerbil Saved in Sudan

DARFUR—A rare Gerbillus Burtoni, or Burton’s Gerbil, destined to become some predator or insect’s meal, was rescued yesterday in the western part of one of Africa’s most chaotic countries. As rain clouds and troops rolled in over the sprawling savanna toward a civilian village, one of nature’s most adorable creatures was saved from imminent danger and destruction. Faithful Iron E-News reporter, Bev Jolt, traveled to the war-torn area to discover what really happened. “There I was, crouched behind a large baobab tree,” reported a courageous UN peacekeeper, “when I spotted something scurrying on the ground about ten meters from my position.  I recognized the little guy immediately and, remembering he was endangered, knew I had to do something fast.  I leapt out from behind my shelte...
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FDA Approves New ‘Merdersyl’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart
6May By jeff25 Comments
U.S.

FDA Approves New ‘Merdersyl’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart

The Food and Drug Administration has issued their approval for a radical new medication that comprehensively solves the sleep disorder known as insomnia.  Incidentally, it has also helped solve a number of other unforeseen issues - like the need to ever to wake up again. Initial tests of the drug on human subjects have shown an unprecedented 100% success rate as the subjects have each enjoyed a very, very long rest. According to inside sources, they are still out cold. "Man, this drug really works," a test subject's spouse offered enthusiastically.  "After taking one pill, my Tim was sleeping like an angel.  And nothing could wake him up either.  We're finally gonna get our beauty sleep." Eli Lilly and Company, best known for manufacturing Secobarbital, has begun ramping up pro...
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United Airlines to <strike>Force</strike> Give Free MMA Lessons on all Flights
12Apr By jeff7 Comments
U.S.

United Airlines to Force Give Free MMA Lessons on all Flights

United Airlines, unbeknownst to many customers, has recently begun offering additional incentives to get passengers on overbooked flights to take a later plane.  According to an airlines spokesperson, these perks are offered with the customer in mind and are “for their own damn good.” From here on out on overbooked flights, passengers will be offered a number of enticing incentives – from money to vouchers to free mixed martial arts lessons with a security team. Two days ago on a flight out of Chicago O’Hare, Dr. David Dao, a 69 year-old doctor from Kentucky, decided to go with one of the newer incentives. “Dr. Dao wanted the more physical option,” a flight attendant revealed, “because he’s checking things off his bucket list.  You don’t hear that part on the video, but he said he...
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Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments
9Apr By jeff34 Comments
Dictators

Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments

PYONGYANG—Recently, Iron E-News was given the rare chance to attend a very special and exclusive book signing in an exotic, distant, and oft misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK. Kim Jong Un, the son of the greatest example to dictators everywhere, officially released his first mini autobiography, and Iron E-News reporter Bev Jolt was there to tell the tale. “This book,” related the younger Kim, “Will surely put all other books to shame.  In fact, we are having a book burning next week.  You should come.  You will witness Father raise his tribute above the great flames as we all gaze on his shining, beneficent face until the knowledge of lesser mortals is nothing but ASHES AT HIS FEET!! AT! HIS! FEEEEEEEET!  AAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!” After thirt...
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Scientists Say Earth Should Only have 10 Mil People, Quickly Call Dibs on First Spots
4Apr By jeff26 Comments
World

Scientists Say Earth Should Only have 10 Mil People, Quickly Call Dibs on First Spots

The Earth at any given moment (not a soccer game) A report released by the UN has confirmed what environmental and ecological scientists have feared for many years: the tiniest fraction of the Earth’s land surface is overcrowded. Accompanying this alarming report, as well as the innumerable articles picking it up, were equally alarming pictures (like the one above) showing just what the human population looks like at any moment. Anywhere. According to the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry (and many, many more like them), the number one problem plaguing our world at this moment is too many humans.  Their answer: less humans. Dr. Charles A. Tan, an ecologist at the college, suggested that 10 million people on the Earth would be the perfect number to solve all of th...
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