World – Page 2 – Iron E-News

6Oct

By David Plumb24 Comments

U.S.

Airport Security Measures to be Revised

A $100 permit and microchip implant a must for iguana identification? Too many iguanas? Watch out. Iguanas growing to be 6 feet long? May live 20 years? Terrorist iguanas? Never mind iguanas. Forget it. Just take off your shoes and don’t bring too much shampoo or shaving lotion to the airport. Is your pen poison? Are you a little weird in the lips, oddly dressed, say a suit and tie? Well, stand by. No micro chips yet, but we hired a few thousand donkeys at the airports to search our “iguana” for weapons of mass eruption, fondling our parts and bags, dipping into the nothing they so dearly love. Heaven help your orange for lunch. Have a pretzel, a plastic glass of coke. No iguanas on the plane. We double fine iguanas and no gum. A seemingly innocent man in blue suit, b...

Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles

13Aug

By jeff13 Comments

U.S.

Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles

"I lost my marbles!" Gary exclaimed in a near fever-pitch frenzy as he rallied all his dorm buddies from their quiet collegiate slumber. "Josh! Clint! Armitage! You know how I get without my F***ING MARBLES!" he pleaded, now in complete hysterics. Gary Choad, an avid white piece only chess player and current resident assistant at UVA (University of Virginia), has had a fascination with little balls his whole life. And his prized marbles--housed in a white velvet sack and monogrammed with his own initials--are known to friends and family alike as 'off limits'. We talked to some of Gary's compatriots to see how the hunt was coming and to ask if they were forming a study group later. "We haven't been this pumped since a Gap opened on campus," one searcher said cheerily. "Even...

American Youth Locked in a Room and Forced to Read

2Jul

By jeff18 Comments

U.S.

American Youth Locked in a Room and Forced to Read

A young boy from a town as normal as the next, recounts a scene so horrific that it just might make you pee your pants. He is like any other kid his age. You might even call him “the kid next door.” His neighbors do. He plays on his Wii and Xbox most days and, when he’s not doing that, he’s looking at memes on 9Gag in between his favorite TV shows and YouTube videos. But, according to Daryl (not his real name), on June 20, 2017 something so terrible happened it almost shouldn’t be told (in fact, it almost wasn’t because his account consisted of so many “Oh my GERDs” and “Trollolols” we had no idea what he was saying, until we got his English teacher to translate). “It’s still so hard to talk about,” Daryl recounted slowly as he rocked back and forth in his chair, the dim light ...

Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’

10Jun

By jeff11 Comments

U.S.

Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’

NEW YORK — In a surprising series of revelations yesterday, former investment tycoon and current resident of Butner Prison, Bernie Madoff, admitted to the press that he came very close to not going through with his infamous Ponzi scheme back in the late 1970’s. We flew to North Carolina and spoke with him in person. “It was 1975,” Madoff said. “Gerald Ford was president. The Reds had just won the World Series. And I was in love with two things: money and Arthur Fonzerelli. You might say I had a choice to make. But I guess you already know which one won out.” Apparently, Bernie Madoff, the man with high aspirations for even higher finance, was ready to give it all up and go on the road as an impersonator of the Fonze. “It was the perfect scheme.” Even a cursory glance fr...

World’s Smartest Ape not Making Headway on Whole Poo-eating Thing

2Jun

By jeff20 Comments

World

World’s Smartest Ape not Making Headway on Whole Poo-eating Thing

Kanzi, the world’s most intelligent animal, sits inside his sunlit cage, dreaming of poo. This very special bonobo ape lives in Des Moines, Iowa under the watchful care of scientists with the Great Ape Trust, where he spends his days making fires, communicating through computerized pictograms, and, now and again, snacking on choice dumps. Though trained by intelligent, higher-order mammals, the things this chimp has learned is nothing short of astonishing. Kanzi is the brother to another special ape Panbanisha, who died in 2012 of symptoms related to a cold–possibly due to poor care from the woman who used to train them, Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh. Though she was later reinstated because of her uncanny connection with the animal kingdom–from hearing the first puppy speak English to ...

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

26May

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

Last night, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a report informing the nation of the terrible, reoccurring health and safety issue known as "Swamp Butt". SB, which generally coincides with excessively warm summers, is a condition in which one's butt crack takes on a life of its own and becomes a steaming, wet, inhospitable marsh of death. Although not contagious per se, it is very unpredictable and extremely difficult to manage once symptoms present themselves. "The situation is quickly becoming widespread," reported one CDC agent rather gravely. "And honestly, it's a considerable risk to, well, to anyone who’s not blind. Just to warn you, anyone within a 20 yard radius may be in danger—not of catching it, no—of just being really, really grossed out." Iron E-News s...