Sports – Page 2 – Iron E-News

11Dec

By jeff17 Comments

Sports

LaVar Ball: “I’m the Last Targaryen”

LaVar Ball, first of his glorious name, has borne a "heavy burden" for far too long, and may the Balls grant him the strength to carry it. In an emotional (mostly on our end) and entirely exclusive interview, Lord Ball, after much soul-searching, revealed a very intimate and personal detail of his life that he decided he could never not go public with: "I am the last Targaryen." At that moment a cold wind blew in from the north and made the trees rustle like living things. Our key grip annoyingly noted that someone opened a window at that moment, but he's also an idiot. "I know I've said a lot of things in the past," Lord Ball admitted. "And I know that, technically, I'm saying something now because words are coming out of my mouth; but I'm not just saying things to say them....

Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat

30Jul

By jeff17 Comments

ENTMT, Sports

Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat

We just received a raven from the Citadel and it appears Lavar Ball of the House of Ball, first of his name, has thrown down the iron gauntlet (made specially from the Iron Isles) and demanded that Ser Gregor Clegane, The Mountain, of the House of Scare the Hell out of Everyone, leave the Red Keep at once and face him in open combat. This is not the first time we've heard grand boasts from the Lord of Ball Nation, and it certainly won't be the last. Well maybe. "He's a big ole WUSSY!" Lord Ball exclaimed. "Mount Wussy Wuss Face is his true name! And it's time to make that mountain into a mole hill!" During this very ambitious and very long speech, one that men will surely sing about and women will one day teach to their children, Lord Ball expounded upon a litany of accomplis...

ESPN is Gonna Need Ed Werder to go Ahead and Come in on Sunday Too

2May

By jeff14 Comments

Sports

ESPN is Gonna Need Ed Werder to go Ahead and Come in on Sunday Too

It appears ESPN anchor Ed Werder has been asked to come in on a Saturday. And, if you would believe it, he's gonna have to come in on Sunday too. Yeeeaaah. Mr. Werder has been working for Initech, excuse me, ESPN for 17 years now and it seems he's at the end of his rope. "They've moved my desk four times now," an annoyed Mr. Werder told us repeatedly. "And now they want to move me to a basement in New Orleans? I'm--I'm quitting. I'm going to quit because they've moved my desk four times already and that's not okay. I used to be over by the window, you know." Apparently, the many bosses of the sports network have been looking for ways to downsize. At first, they tried notifying employees via fax but it seems the ****damn fax machine is broken. According to one employee,...

USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks

24Apr

By jeff25 Comments

Sports

USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks

The United States Men's National Soccer Team is beefing up their defensive strategy in preparations for the 2018 World Cup. By building better walls. The proposition by the current president, Donald Trump, to build a 2,000 mile border wall in between Mexico and the United States has become a source of inspiration to many, including Coach Gary Arenas. "We're trying to make the American team great again," Coach Arenas revealed. "And that's going to happen by building walls. Big, yugemoungous walls are going to keep soccer balls out and keep us in the hunt for the World Cup." According to the team, they have had too many encroachments around their 20-yard box thus instigating the need for a defensive change. "We usually put about four or five guys together to block a free kick...

The Pope on Aaron Rodgers’ Season: “His Hail Mary’s were Full of Grace”

3Mar

By jeff15 Comments

Religion, Sports

The Pope on Aaron Rodgers’ Season: “His Hail Mary’s were Full of Grace”

Iron E-Sports News was given an exclusive interview with the 266th pope of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Francis (or Jorge Mario Bergoglio to his mom) to get his take on the current state of the NFL as well as a few thoughts on last year's season. Pope Francis, a well respected sports gambler, said he had his money on Aaron Rodgers early on in the season. "Aaron is blessed," the Francis revealed. "He's the only one who consistently relies on the holy 'hail mary' pass. Other quarterbacks neglect it to their own detriment." "You may not know this, but I also always put a little money down for the Browns because God roots for the underdog." When asked about how God handles conflicting prayers from the various teams, Pope Francis had some surprising remarks: "God plays favorite...

18Feb

By jeff20 Comments

Sports

Cleveland Browns Suggest ‘Personal Best’ Bowl Once in a While

In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam discussed his recent meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about a proposal to restructure the league’s reward system. Mr. Haslam felt that the NFL too often reflects the negative aspects of competitive capitalism in that the rich teams are usually rewarded simply for being rich while the poor teams tend to languish in their poverty. So, instead of opting for Robin Hood economics or an all-out coup d’etat, Haslam suggested an American alternative: straight up charity. He also felt that his proposal was in line with other common American practices, such as the celebration of mediocrity and the love for the underdog. “It’ll be like attending your sister’s 5th grade graduation,” an anonymo...