Society – Page 8 – Iron E-News

8Apr

By Tim J. Myers40 Comments

Society

Improved Terms for Known Stuff

As culture changes, language does, too. So must lexicons. Dictionaries of the world, the following are offered for your delight and edification. machina vomitorum: Those "thrill" rides at amusement parks that inspire a terror which can quickly have digestive consequences. genetic freaks: That 0.00001% of the population whose greyhound torsos, giant eyes, and abyssal cheeks qualify them as super-models. the churchmice professions: Teaching or the humanities as careers. In and Out: fast-food-induced diarrhea (which, ironically, never happens at the CA burger chain In and Out). Chichis con Huevos: Hooters Restaurant. Also the answer to a Mexican joke: What do honeymooners have for breakfast? johnshock: One's natural reaction, while sitting in a Port-a-Potty, when a stranger...

5Apr

By jeff14 Comments

Local Man, Religion

Local Man Gives Up Lent for Lent

The religious observance of fasting and prayer known as Lent, which began on Wednesday, March 1 and ends Thursday, April 13, is quickly coming to a close. Observed by many branches of the Christian faithful--from Anglican to Catholic to Lutheran to Methodist and even some Evangelicals--this event is traditionally a time of sacrifice or abstention. That's why this year for Lent, local man, Willy Nihly, is abstaining from Lent. "I felt the best way to observe Lent was to give it up," Willy offered. "I mean, what better way to sacrifice than to sacrifice sacrifice? Or, if I can say it this way, what better way to give up things than to give up giving things up?" This is Willy's twentieth time participating so this year of observing non-observance has presented a unique set of ch...

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

1Apr

By jeff12 Comments

Society, U.S.

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

Sorry, I just needed to check my phone A very important research center released a study last week (that we totally read all the way through and enjoyed very much) detailing groundbreaking information on stuff we're pretty sure you need to know. We believe it to be crucial that you make it all the way through this article. According to the findings, most Americans suffer from something similar to this other thing we read about that was really cool. Basically, they put a group of kids into a "waiting room" and observed their behavior without them knowing it (actually sounds kind of creepy as I'm writing it down). Which brings up some interesting ethical questions regarding personal privacy and observing children - questions such as what are the ethical questions regarding persona...

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

30Mar

By jeff12 Comments

Local Man

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

"This is not glued to my head, as some of you may think." Harold Crumbs, also known as Voldvaderon to millions of online gamers, is 98 percent sure he can move things with his brain. It all started when he was young and he noticed that the second hand on the clock on his bedroom dresser only moved when he was looking at it. When he saw this, something awoke inside of him. "In that moment," recounted Mr. Crumbs. "I knew my life would never be the same. It was then and there I decided I would only reveal my power when the time was right." Not counting the millions of times he has bent his own fingers even while thinking, "Don't bend your fingers," Harold has successfully closed a door, melted ice, and made a candle flicker over and over--all with the power of his mind (and all o...

25Mar

By jeff14 Comments

Society

BREAKING NEWS: Narcolepsy on the Ri–

--ise, according to new repor----t A---------------------study was released last week detailing a dramatic increase in the number of people who battle with narco---------------------------tics, wait, excuse me, narcolepsy. I'm sure that plenty of people struggle with narcotics too. According to the report, this affects regular people, celebrit---------ies, --------former pre--------- --------sidents (shhh, God can't tell), vice *nod* presidents, new---------------s anchors, ------------------huh? Oh, judges, a------------------ctors and most of China apparently.

Years Later, Son Realizes Awkward Conversation with Dad Something Much More Ominous

21Mar

By jeff207 Comments

Society

Years Later, Son Realizes Awkward Conversation with Dad Something Much More Ominous

Jerry Fannersgraft was sitting in his college Bio class when, out of the blue, it dawned on him: That one time his dad came into his room sweaty and disheveled, muttering something about The Lion King was in fact “The Sex Talk”. Immediately after this thought, he felt quite ill. Jerry opened up to Iron E-News after his class, recounting every gory detail. “I was on Youtube when my dad came in and sat down on my bed,” relayed the younger Fannersgraft. “I was pretty involved in this screaming orange but I could tell that something was up.” Apparently, the day before, Mr. Fannersgraft was watching Juno when he started to notice his wife’s stack of movies (ones his son was allowed to watch for some reason): Grease, Dirty Dancing, Sixteen Candles, Ghost (Ghost for God’s sake!). “When he ca...