Society – Page 5 – Iron E-News

Adidas Alpha Bounce Shoe Able to Help even the Ugliest Faces

11Oct

By Art Zhang30 Comments

Society

Adidas Alpha Bounce Shoe Able to Help even the Ugliest Faces

Last August, Adidas released its all-new Alpha-Jordan NMD-Ultra shoes in yet another successful endeavor to exploit social hierarchies based on wealth and athletic ability to make some sweet money. These revolutionary shoes were popularized by social media posts involving several celebrities and athletes wearing them and doing things that serve no other purpose than to highlight their wealth through their expensive shoes. This prompted a craze in the frightfully-faced masses to buy the shoes to draw attention away from their butt-ugly mugs. “I’m really happy with my brand new pair of Alpha-Jordan NMD-Ultra’s,” local ugly man Max Zhang said. “People used to unfairly judge me by my face. But now that shoes are the biggest thing, they look down at my feet in awe and wonder!” Max Zhang b...

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention

4Oct

By jeff59 Comments

Local Man

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention

Area resident and father of two, Harry Fits, was accused yesterday of sneezing under false pretenses. Initially, neighbors thought nothing of the first two; and according to eye-witnesses, they were willing to wait it out and give him a "God bless you" even after the fifth and sixth one. But when he reached twelve, they had had enough. "Come on," said one angry neighbor in an irritated voice, slowly drawing out each word while rolling her eyes. "Have you ever heard of someone sneezing eighteen times! In a row! It's ridiculous and we shouldn't have to stand for it." Another cul-de-sac comrade said, "It would be one thing if his fraudulent fit were done quietly, but no, he has to scream while doing it too? You know what I'm talking about - those people that feel the need to sca...

Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

7Jul

By jeff12 Comments

Local Man

Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

World-wide self-acclaimed blogger and self-published publisher/editor/writer/artist, Mark Krotzchety (pronounced “Krotzchety”), wants you to know that he’s finally got his nagging compulsions under control. Apparently, he’s organized everything into a master calendar. “That’s right,” Mark said. “No more spontaneous multiple hand-washings or spur-of-the-moment quadruple checking of appliances–if I’m gonna flip the light on and off ten times, it’s going in the planner.” “Unbelievable. Why didn’t I think of this before? If I wanna plan out my day, I plan that in advance. And if I want to plan out the pre-plan a bit? You got it–right in the planner. Oh, and any off-the-cuff planning parties? Just penciled in informally (any day between Tuesday and Thursday). I’m a whole person again!”...

Women Losing Interest in Equality with Men

5Jul

By jeff21 Comments

Politics, Society

Women Losing Interest in Equality with Men

Self-respecting women all over the globe are giving up their struggle for equality with men, and are now fighting for something - anything - else. It seems that the newest addition to the Oval Office is the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. "We're okay with inequality now," said Republican Senator from Maine, Susan Collins, while watching a recent presidential address. "No, really, we don't mind. It's time we raise our standard anyway." Former first lady Barbara Bush had a similar, almost visceral, reaction: "If equality means being considered equivalent to that (holding up a picture of Trump) then we don't want it." "I agree," commented the former governor of New Jersey, Christine Todd Whitman. "Equality is now an offensive term - from a mathematical point of view, we...

1Jul

By jeff27 Comments

Society

Grammarian no Logger Givs a Fying Fluck

After seatting down one day four a leasurly reed of of his favurit fillosofer, Camoo, redired engrish pufesor Graham Hurnozty had a crishis of egzistenchal portions; He know logger gayve a fying fluck. The wrds and comas and pereods and such - at won time in purfect boxes lining the shhelvs of hi smind - now excaped like wild monkees frum the zu "Nufing reelly maders enymoor" Graham said despondently in a sing songy voyce. "Enyone can c. Nufing reelly maders....to meeeeeeee,, Wee wached this wonce starwalt of a mahn, a pillur of pryed and intelect, who's rulles were his glorey, becum a shelll ov his former sellf, Pityfull. Boken. Four waht wee widnessed. ANd four dis pour wretch of a sole - unhindjed and adrifft in a see of dispare - we aufer dis: l(a le af f...

25Jun

By jeff25 Comments

Local Man

Local Introvert Mistaken for Asshole

Area anti-socialite, Phil Koff, was wandering down the aisle of his local grocery store--minding his own quiet business--when he spotted a first-time acquaintance, Cher Tumuch, approaching ominously from the other direction. Though Mr. Koff did his best to hide his entire body behind a bevy of pineapples, Ms. Tumuch had already seen him. It was his next action that was sadly misinterpreted for plain assholery. "To me and my fellow introverts," Phil offered candidly, "turning and walking brusquely the other way as if I had just felt the onset of diarrhea was a very normal thing to do. We (Cher and I) had literally just met the other day. It wasn't even as if she were a long time acquaintance or one of my wife's innumerable friends." "I know he saw me!" Ms. Tumuch said at a higher vol...