Society

Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance
6Jan By Brooke Eliot10 Comments
Local Man

Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance

Local commuter, Glenn Bekk--not to be confused with Glenn Beck, the conservative radio personality--has been deemed a hero this week as he publicly grasped the concept of “Man Spread”. The heroic effort took place at rush hour, Monday morning. Commuters were astonished to see the effort put into the deed itself. “It was magical,” said one female commuter. “He saw that I was sitting next to him, and he actually gave me the room to exist; I could not be believe it!” Neither could her pet Chihuahua, Mrs. Kernal, who yipped and jumped during the whole interview. An MTA worker who witnessed the event, watched in disbelief. “It's one of those stories that you hear about by the water cooler, but to actually be there - right in the action - man, what an experience,” he stated. “It's almost as i...
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Longtime CSI Viewers to Finally get Honorary Forensics Degree
16Dec By jeff14 Comments
Society

Longtime CSI Viewers to Finally get Honorary Forensics Degree

The once very popular television series, Crime Scene Investigation, which aired from 2000 to 2015, has recently announced that it will finally be able to properly reward viewers for their years and years of investment in the field of Forensic Science. In collaboration with Boston State University, a school well known for its exceptional forensics program, CSI will now be issuing an MS in Biomedical Forensic Sciences to any fan that has completed eight full seasons of the show. "It's about flipping time," one fan said.  "I could've gone to school for this, but I decided to, you know, not." The longtime running drama about a "team of forensic investigators trained to solve criminal cases by scouring the crime scene" has successfully created millions of more fully trained and capable...
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Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time
12Dec By Brooke Eliot24 Comments
Local Man

Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time

Local resident and accountant, Barry Bishop, has been accused this week of lying about his severe gluten allergy. The incident took place at his neighbor’s Sunday night football party, where Barry was seen consuming large amounts of Bud Light and pepperoni pizza. Based off his previous allergy claims, attendees were horrified to see Mr. Bishop partaking in such reckless behavior. “I am shocked,” said one dismayed neighbor. ”I have seen him keel over in pain from just looking at a muffin - I don’t know what to feel anymore.” In a form of protest, she recently made a picket sign, depicting Mr. Bishop’s face superimposed onto a piece of bread. “I make signs to cope with my pain - this experience is no exception.” Host of the party, Melvin Cartwright, shed some light on the depravity. “I bo...
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Study Reveals 39% of Americans Pretend to do Yoga
26Nov By Jennifer Hollie Bowles17 Comments
Society

Study Reveals 39% of Americans Pretend to do Yoga

From certified Yoga teachers to articles about Asanas in mainstream media, interest in Yoga has exploded in the United States over the last ten years. It seems a new Yoga studio or style of Yoga pop-ups daily. Americans have even developed new forms of Yoga, such as Chair Yoga, Spin Yoga, Slow Yoga, Jazzy Yoga, and even Holistic Yoga. Preliminary research studies found that a whopping 50% of Americans were regularly practicing Yoga in 2015. Considering the persistence of extremely high obesity rates, heart disease, diabetes, and other food-related maladies, scientists were perplexed by the results, since Yoga research shows that practicing Yoga reduces obesity, heart disease, etc. Seeking to clarify the findings of the early research, scientists decided to dig a little deeper with t...
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Hipster Loses Non-Prescription Glasses–Still runs into Parked Bus
23Oct By jeff34 Comments
Society

Hipster Loses Non-Prescription Glasses–Still runs into Parked Bus

Last Saturday morning, as the dawn sloughed off its Chicago overcoat and lifted its red face like a Russian flag on a Florida honeymoon, a hipster hit the streets. And then a parked bus. Arthur Oscar Ramone IX blamed it partly on not having his specs, and partly on the juice jolt iron boxes of the mainstream that pollute our atmospheres and alleyways. "I used to know this guy," Arthur began, "who had rabbit's blood and the face of a Harlem sunset.  He only hung with Roundheels and always knew his groceries.  Man, that guy knew his groceries.  EVERY night was littered with dead soldiers and boiled cabbage.  People--mainstreamers--thought his roof was leaking, you know, but he was straight from the fridge. Then he lost his glasses." At this point, we assumed that Arthur had su...
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Disgruntled Employee Remembers Early ‘Gruntled Days’
18Oct By jeff12 Comments
Society

Disgruntled Employee Remembers Early ‘Gruntled Days’

Tom Seether, well into his late thirties now, works at Middlemen Incorporated, a company dedicated to providing services for "middle men".  He's disgruntled now. But things weren't always this way. "I remember when I was so new and gruntled," Tom recalled. "So gruntled," he added with a slight sigh. "And that's exactly what I call them now: the good ole gruntled days." We asked his colleagues and they confirmed. "I didn't think an employee could be as gruntled as Tom was," one of his colleagues offered.  "His gruntled-ness was almost contagious...almost." "We're the middle men for the middle man industry," Tom said sardonically.  "If you have a service that connects the consumer to another service, then we're here to serve your service," he continued, in mocking recitation. ...
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