Local Man

Silver Lining Burns Local Man’s Retina
30Mar By jeff31 Comments
Local Man

Silver Lining Burns Local Man’s Retina

Area resident, Luke Forthings, went home from the hospital today with what doctors described as blindness. "Yeah, he can't see anymore," Dr. Richard Terdson said. In more technical terms, it seems that Luke has suffered permanent damage from extreme solar retinopathy after taking part in a local hunt for sliver linings. Apparently, he and his book club regularly go out on partly cloudy days and spend hours and hours just looking up at the sun. "Oh it's the best!" exclaimed internet influencer, Apple, who was with Luke earlier at the hospital. "We're reading a new book called If You Don't See a Silver Lining then You're Dumb by Sarah Noyeen and it has lit-er-a-lly changed our lives! I guess it's probably changed Luke's the most now. So jelly." "Hm. Well, the UV light from the su...
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Realistic New Year’s Resolutions for 2021
4Jan By jeff20 Comments
Local Man

Realistic New Year’s Resolutions for 2021

I resolve to exercise more. #assumethebest I resolve to manage my expectations. #preparefortheworst I resolve to disappoint people less. I will start by keeping my resolutions to myself. #reputationmatters They say sleeping more is better for you. I resolve to find out how much more. #sciencematters I resolve to eat healthier. I plan to go to McDonald's every other day instead of every day. #imayhavecoloncancer I resolve to maintain higher standards of excellence in my life. I will start by buying higher quality bourbon. #blessed I resolve to value quantity where quality is concerned. In other words, I will start buying a higher quantity of high quality bourbon. #noshelflife I resolve to stop procrastinating. I have already taken care of resolutions six and seven while writing this....
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Local Dad Says Belly didn’t Just happen Over Night
24Feb By jeff23 Comments
Local Man

Local Dad Says Belly didn’t Just happen Over Night

Area father, Rich Stout, has been in the spotlight recently for something that he says he's been working on for a number of years: his impressive belly. According to him, there is a prevalent misconception that such a generous protrusion of cushion pushin' is something that is easy to attain. "This (holding his bowlful of jelly) took me years," Rich confessed. "But a lot of people don't get that - they think that a 'dad gut' is something that is just handed out to you when you become a father, which is crazy." Multiple studies have shown that 95% of dads across the country don't get the ideal belly until 7 to 10 years into their marriage. To note, the results were the same regardless of changes in demographic. "Diet is key," Mr. Stout continued. "You're not gonna get this kin...
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Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance
6Jan By Brooke Eliot10 Comments
Local Man

Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance

Local commuter, Glenn Bekk--not to be confused with Glenn Beck, the conservative radio personality--has been deemed a hero this week as he publicly grasped the concept of “Man Spread”. The heroic effort took place at rush hour, Monday morning. Commuters were astonished to see the effort put into the deed itself. “It was magical,” said one female commuter. “He saw that I was sitting next to him, and he actually gave me the room to exist; I could not be believe it!” Neither could her pet Chihuahua, Mrs. Kernal, who yipped and jumped during the whole interview. An MTA worker who witnessed the event, watched in disbelief. “It's one of those stories that you hear about by the water cooler, but to actually be there - right in the action - man, what an experience,” he stated. “It's almost as i...
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Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time
12Dec By Brooke Eliot24 Comments
Local Man

Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time

Local resident and accountant, Barry Bishop, has been accused this week of lying about his severe gluten allergy. The incident took place at his neighbor’s Sunday night football party, where Barry was seen consuming large amounts of Bud Light and pepperoni pizza. Based off his previous allergy claims, attendees were horrified to see Mr. Bishop partaking in such reckless behavior. “I am shocked,” said one dismayed neighbor. ”I have seen him keel over in pain from just looking at a muffin - I don’t know what to feel anymore.” In a form of protest, she recently made a picket sign, depicting Mr. Bishop’s face superimposed onto a piece of bread. “I make signs to cope with my pain - this experience is no exception.” Host of the party, Melvin Cartwright, shed some light on the depravity. “I bo...
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Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention
4Oct By jeff59 Comments
Local Man

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention

Area resident and father of two, Harry Fits, was accused yesterday of sneezing under false pretenses.  Initially, neighbors thought nothing of the first two; and according to eye-witnesses, they were willing to wait it out and give him a "God bless you" even after the fifth and sixth one. But when he reached twelve, they had had enough. "Come on," said one angry neighbor in an irritated voice, slowly drawing out each word while rolling her eyes.  "Have you ever heard of someone sneezing eighteen times!  In a row!  It's ridiculous and we shouldn't have to stand for it." Another cul-de-sac comrade said, "It would be one thing if his fraudulent fit were done quietly, but no, he has to scream while doing it too?  You know what I'm talking about - those people that feel the need to sca...
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