Society – Iron E-News

Eric says Canadian Girlfriend Definitely Coming to Visit this Summer

9Dec

By jeff2 Comments

Society

Eric says Canadian Girlfriend Definitely Coming to Visit this Summer

Area 9th grader, Eric Burgess, has informed everyone that his long-term girlfriend of many years is finally coming to see him. "It's happening!" Eric told his friends, who looked up quizzically. "Jennifer is coming this weekend!" "Who?" asked his brother, Todd. "Riiiiight," replied Brian, who lived one block over from Todd and Eric. "And Justin Bieber is taking me to see the Red Sox on Sunday. He's got us box seats and everything." "Oh, JENNIFER," Todd said mockingly. "Jennifer is coming. We all get to finally meet Jennifer. The girl who definitely exists. The girl who has been sending love letters in Eric's handwriting for years. The girl who couldn't come one time because she got mono." "And that one time because all the Canadian planes were down," Brian added. "And the...

Kid would have Totally Beaten the Entire Game if it hadn’t Cheated

22Aug

By jeff15 Comments

Society

Kid would have Totally Beaten the Entire Game if it hadn’t Cheated

Little Bobby Clump got all the way to the last level of his favorite video game the other day when it happened again. "I was at the big brain!" Bobby exclaimed to his mother as she unloaded the groceries from the car. "At the BRAIN!" he shouted, enunciating the word "brain" so the significance wouldn't be lost on her. "Bobby, I don't know what you're talking about," replied his woefully ignorant mother, sadly detached and uninformed about the great evils that he had been trying to defeat and the incomparable skill that it takes to defeat them. "That stupid game! It cheats!" he yelled at his brother, Timmy, who nodded sympathetically, knowing exactly what his older, wiser brother was talking about. Timmy, feeling a wave of commiseration, spent the next twenty minutes explaining...

19Aug

By jeff24 Comments

Society

Elderly Woman Recalls what a Book Was

A dim light from the kitchen flickers occasionally as she adjusts herself on an old rocking chair. She takes something from the table and blows the dust off. She says it’s a book. It has a hard cover and is filled with paper, apparently bound together so you can flip through it. Hm. We try swiping the front of it with two fingers but nothing happens. “I remember when I was four years old,” she says, then pauses for an eternity. We thought she might have…yep, she fell asleep. We glance at each other then lift the book in front of her face to try and access it that way but no joy. We let the object fall onto the table so it makes a loud thud. “I remember when I was four years old,” she says again, as if nothing had happened. “I got that book for my birthday.” Our mind...

LinkedIn Tips on How to not Suck at your Job

3Apr

By jeff24 Comments

Internets

LinkedIn Tips on How to not Suck at your Job

Tip #1: Join LinkedIn. Duh. This is probably the most important path to success at your workplace and, we would argue, in your entire life - much more important than working hard, being reliable, etc. Tip #2: Smile a lot. Smiling creates a good impression and is always appropriate, especially when you don't know what you're doing. If you're that person who is generally thought of as incompetent or lazy, smiling will make up for it. Tip #3: Hide everything with good body language. If you're in an interview, and they're asking about certain "glossy" parts of your resume, remain calm, put your hand to your chin, and then, while squinting just a bit, respond with a few steady, pensive head nods. In your mind, whisper "nailed it" over and over. They will be so impressed by your confident ...

30Mar

By jeff31 Comments

Local Man

Silver Lining Burns Local Man’s Retina

Area resident, Luke Forthings, went home from the hospital today with what doctors described as blindness. "Yeah, he can't see anymore," Dr. Richard Terdson said. In more technical terms, it seems that Luke has suffered permanent damage from extreme solar retinopathy after taking part in a local hunt for sliver linings. Apparently, he and his book club regularly go out on partly cloudy days and spend hours and hours just looking up at the sun. "Oh it's the best!" exclaimed internet influencer, Apple, who was with Luke earlier at the hospital. "We're reading a new book called If You Don't See a Silver Lining then You're Dumb by Sarah Noyeen and it has lit-er-a-lly changed our lives! I guess it's probably changed Luke's the most now. So jelly." "Hm. Well, the UV light from the su...

Realistic New Year’s Resolutions for 2021

4Jan

By jeff20 Comments

Local Man

Realistic New Year’s Resolutions for 2021

I resolve to exercise more. #assumethebest I resolve to manage my expectations. #preparefortheworst I resolve to disappoint people less. I will start by keeping my resolutions to myself. #reputationmatters They say sleeping more is better for you. I resolve to find out how much more. #sciencematters I resolve to eat healthier. I plan to go to McDonald's every other day instead of every day. #imayhavecoloncancer I resolve to maintain higher standards of excellence in my life. I will start by buying higher quality bourbon. #blessed I resolve to value quantity where quality is concerned. In other words, I will start buying a higher quantity of high quality bourbon. #noshelflife I resolve to stop procrastinating. I have already taken care of resolutions six and seven while writing this....