Sci-Tech – Page 3 – Iron E-News

26Feb

By Bobby Ge23 Comments

Sci-Tech

Invisibility Cloak Reported Lost

On February 21 of this year, scientists at the Applied Sciences division of Footile Enterprises confirmed that they have lost their newly developed, fully functioning invisibility cloak. This cloak, also termed “IC-Nothing”, took twelve years of research and experimenting to construct and, reportedly, was highly successful at concealing wearers. “This has been a huge shock to the team,” lead designer Gordon Freeman noted. “We spent years on this project. I have no doubt it was our rivals, Black Mesa, who have stolen our work. I plan to have a word with them later.” The invisibility cloak, which consumed $400 million in government-endowed research funds, utilized groundbreaking new technology that allowed light to pass through the cloak virtually undisturbed. “One common percept...

Better Living Conditions Turning Animals into Real Assholes

21Feb

By jeff19 Comments

Sci-Tech

Better Living Conditions Turning Animals into Real Assholes

A new study was published yesterday in the Journal of Food Science and Technology by a collaboration of food scientists on the dangers of better living conditions for animals who are used as a food resource. The article illustrates an alarming trend in the attitudes of poultry, pig, and cow and shows that they have gone from being content with their lot in life to actually expecting better food, open spaces, and even random hugs and kisses. "There is a direct correlation between the animals' increasingly sedentary and cushy lives and their change in attitudes," reported food scientist Dr. Ino Beder. "Normally, we wouldn't be so worried, but we actually had a pig force us to pet it for about an hour the other day. It's getting a little ridiculous." This study was not lost on some of th...

16Feb

By jeff23 Comments

Sci-Tech

Marine Biologists Discover Unhappy Clam

A small team of researchers exploring and monitoring sea life along the eastern seaboard stumbled upon the rarest of finds last week: one teed off mollusk. According to the team leader, Adai Ver, the clam caught their attention because he was perched alone on the top of a large boulder. “We were pretty shocked when we found him,” recalled Adai. “As far as we know, he’s the only one of his kind.” Our news team had a chance to sit down and talk with George and ask him why he was so perturbed. “Not everybody fits into your neat little stereotypes, you know,” George answered. “This is partly why I’m so upset–don’t just assume that I’m going to be happy because I’m a clam. I’m stuck here on this rock, it smells like seaweed, and I constantly have sand in my mouth. What’s there to be hap...

14Feb

By jeff17 Comments

Sci-Tech

Study: Mayonnaise from the Devil

Conclusive data uncovered in a new and impartial study conducted by the highly professional food scientists here at the Iron E Research Center in Shanghai, has shown that the popular condiment known to the world as mayonnaise actually comes from the vats of Hades. Some of us have had our suspicions about the insidious white sludge for quite some time but have held our tongues, strictly in the interests of science. Today, millions of consumers all around the world remain under the happy delusion that this fatty amalgamation of olive oil, egg yolk, and death is made in the loving factories of companies such as Kraft and Kewpie; and inadvertently overlook certain clues that, when taken as a whole, make the truth seem quite obvious. The first and most obvious one of course is the brand name...

Scientists: “Newton and Galileo were Psychotic”–Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen

9Feb

By jeff41 Comments

Sci-Tech

Scientists: “Newton and Galileo were Psychotic”–Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen

A group of 142 leading scientists and psychiatrists have published an open letter to the world, revealing their conclusions on scientists of years’ past—most notably Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei. The contributors, almost all of them members of the National Academy of Sciences or The Royal Society, wrote the letter “in the defense of reason”—to deal with the troubling implications of such men and women devoted to science and equally devoted to the notion of a Creator. “After much deliberation,” the letter begins, “and in the spirit of the age, we feel it necessary to reevaluate our view of “scientists” such as Isaac Newton, Max Planck, (probably Einstein), Galileo, Sir Francis Bacon, Copernicus, etc. etc. Furthermore, we feel intellectually compelled to call men and women who hold ont...

Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Now Visible from Space

21Jun

By jeff5 Comments

Sci-Tech, World

Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Now Visible from Space

Spectacular new images of Earth were released by NASA yesterday detailing various aspects of our magnificent blue and green marble. One photo in particular stood out above the rest: a crystal clear shot of billions of carbon molecules in the form of a giant footprint covering most of North America. Scientists would have been completely in the dark as to the owner of the footprint if not for the letters “GORE” on the bottom of the foot. Apparently, what started out as a tiny dot not worth mentioning has turned into one of the greatest marvels in all of human history. And, according to scientists monitoring this man-made phenomena affecting our ozone, Mr. Gore deserves all of the credit. “It’s amazing really,” said one climatologist. “Not only has he eloquently explained to us wh...