Politics – Page 3 – Iron E-News

Rep. Ryan Zinke Named Cabinet’s Interior Decorator

2Mar

By jeff12 Comments

Politics

Rep. Ryan Zinke Named Cabinet’s Interior Decorator

Congressman Zinke ready to decorate the sh*t out of stuff Montana Representative Ryan Zinke was given the senatorial "green light" to take on a job of timely importance: redecorating the White House. His official title, Decorator of the Interior, makes him primarily responsible for Trump's cabinet. "My immediate priority will be to focus on the cabinet," revealed Congressman Zinke. "First of all, why is there only one? The White House is huge. We could definitely fit more. Second of all, we could probably afford a new one. I've seen the budget." Originally, the panel were considering the famous team consisting of Ted Allen, Carson Kressley, Kyan Douglas, and Thom Filicia for the job but voted no because they felt Trump and the team wouldn't see eye to eye. Besides his main...

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

27Feb

By Mike Chase34 Comments

Dictators, Politics

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

"Dear Kim. Can I call you Kim? It's a girl's name. Can I still call you that? I'd like to call you that. My people have a problem. Great people. But people with problems. The problem? Fake News. CNN? Garbage. Fox News? More like low calorie salad dressing. The New York Times? Quilt it, scent it, and make it double-ply... I still wouldn't use it as toilet paper. Breitbart? Good people. Good, good people. I wanted to make Breitbart our exclusive news agency. It'd just be me and some guy in a room. He'd ask me questions about my golf handicap and my favorite color, and then we'd write the stories together. I love cooperating with the press. But my people balked at that. My own people. I ask for loyalty and all I get is "no." N-O. So I need a solution. And...

New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America

23Feb

By jeff12 Comments

Politics

New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America

Scientists with the Smithsonian Institution have stumbled on the find of a lifetime! A species long purported to be extinct–the infamous dodo bird. Though, technically, this particular bird, Anus Coulterus, is suspected to be a cross-breed between a dodo and some kind of cuckoo. Last week, the team was studying a pair of newly transported condor falcons at a local zoo when they happened upon the unpredictable animal. “There we were, walking by the elephant area, when we heard the most God-awful sound,” reported the team leader. “Remember, Laura? You actually said, ‘Oh good Lord! What is that?! It sounds like Satan giving birth to a pterodactyl!” So we went over to investigate and there it was, covered in elephant dung! For some reason, it had been subsisting mostly on the f...

6Nov

By jeff23 Comments

ENTMT, Politics

Star Wars 7 Revealed: The Drone Wars

Star Wars 7 Cast and Title Revealed! “Not long ago, in a galaxy far, far beyond the reach of justice and peace, a strange and bitter conflict arose on the dark and inhospitable planet known as Yemen.” So begins the highly anticipated JJ Abrams continuation of the intergalactic epic, Star Wars; and, along with it, the continuation of a worldwide love affair with Wookies, droids, Ewoks, bounty hunters, and the like. With some of the casting of episode 7 already released, Abrams kept the lead roles and the title of the movie cloaked in mystery…until today. “I’ve had my eye on the president for a while, actually,” the famed director admitted. ”Politicians are natural actors, which is why so many of them have made the transition from the studio to the hill so seamlessly.” “G-dub w...

For Russia, Obama Substitutes Mean ‘Red Line’ for Fun Squiggly Doodle

17Apr

By jeff20 Comments

Politics

For Russia, Obama Substitutes Mean ‘Red Line’ for Fun Squiggly Doodle

As Ukraine sits on the brink of a full-scale international conflict and Putin debates over whether or not to make Kiev Russia’s new capital, President Obama has decided to defuse tensions by changing those old and prickly ultimatums with softer, less judgmental suggestions. In a symbolic gesture hearkening back to the famous ‘red line’ drawn before the darkest hours of the Syrian conflict, the President sent the Russian powers a picture of a multicolored, squiggly thing, representing his new, fun approach to these tense situations. “I see now where I went wrong with the Syrian debacle,” Obama offered at a press conference. “Red lines are so harsh and final–there’s no room to maneuver and no going back (usually). This meandering doodle, however, even though it technically still has ...

Congressional Step-Son Left in Charge During Shutdown

10Oct

By jeff11 Comments

Politics

Congressional Step-Son Left in Charge During Shutdown

Last Tuesday, as Congress remained deadlocked over spending issues, the U.S. government came to a screeching halt. This marked the eighteenth time we’ve had a government shutdown since 1977 and the first time the government hasn’t not shut down since the last time it didn’t shut down. Due to overwhelming concern over what might become of “the hill” and the country in their absence, a last minute vote was issued, and Benjamin Whirly, step-son to a congressman who sincerely wished to remain anonymous, was put “in charge” for the duration of the stalemate. His only condition was that everyone refer to him as “The Gatekeeper” for the rest of his life. “Yeah, I know some people are worried about my work ethic,” The Gatekeeper confessed. “But would a lazy person do this? (holds up un...