Politics – Iron E-News

Exclusive: Bernie Sanders Opens Up about his Time on the Muppets

8Mar

By jeff31 Comments

Politics

Exclusive: Bernie Sanders Opens Up about his Time on the Muppets

Senator Bernie Sanders, who recently announced his bid for the 2020 presidential election, sat down to talk with us about an aspect of his life that his younger demographic of voters may not even know about. At the beginnings of what would eventually become a long, long political career, Sanders encountered a series of setbacks. In the early to mid-1970's, after settling down in Vermont, the Senator ran multiple unsuccessful third-party campaigns as an independent. Unsure of a future in politics, Sanders turned to a not so dissimilar career: comedy. "I was a man in crisis," Senator Sanders revealed. "So I did what a lot of us do - I got a job with The Muppets. To be more specific, The Muppet Show. But to be honest, I wasn't even looking for it." According to Jim Henson's son,...

Millennials to Put an Acronym on Presidential Ticket

30Jan

By jeff13 Comments

Politics

Millennials to Put an Acronym on Presidential Ticket

An independent political group, Millennials in Politics (MIP), has initiated a petition to put the acronym SMH (shaking my head) on the 2020 presidential ballot. Their petition was successful. Scott Warner, the group's representative, said the decision was an obvious one. "ICYMI, POTUS is NSFW anymore," Scott said cryptically. "BTW, YW." Apparently, YW, which we discovered means "you're welcome", was one of the runner ups during the voting process. FYI, here is a list of acronyms that were vying for a place in the independent ticket: SMH (shaking my head) YW (you're welcome) FTW (for the win) YOPOUYGR (you're only president once unless you get reelected) JK (just kidding) IMHO (in my humble opinion) According to Scott, the acronym was an easy choice bec...

Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Extreme Redundancy

21Jan

By jeff12 Comments

Politics

Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Extreme Redundancy

Satirical papers across the country are announcing that President Trump will no longer be considered a target of ridicule and general lampooning because, according to them, "it's getting old". "It's a Catch-22, really," said one Onion editor. "There's so much material there, but there's no more story, if you know what I mean. He's the perfect subject for satire, but also the worst. Every time he does something, we're realizing that it looks all too familiar - as if it's been done and written about ad nauseam." Most sites are admitting that their current stories on the president are mostly links to old stories referencing previous behavior. "I used to listen to the Weezer blue album on repeat back in high school," offered one writer for Iron-E News, "and I'm sure it drove my pare...

Jeff Sessions Impersonator Arrested for Public Nudity

18Feb

By Brooke Eliot28 Comments

Politics

Jeff Sessions Impersonator Arrested for Public Nudity

Jeff Sessions impersonator, Timothy Vetts, was arrested at Shady Oaks Retirement Village for public nudity in Bethesda, Maryland this past weekend. Vetts was reported to be “meandering the neighborhood" with the words “No Pot” written in green sharpie across his back. The incident left witnesses confused. “You mean that wasn’t actually Jeff Sessions? He looked just like Jeff Sessions!” says community member, Mavis Bell. “Sessions shows his ass all the time as Attorney General so I thought this fit the bill. Especially with that "no pot" thing, give me a break! You haven't lived unless you have lit up a old J and watched Jerry Garcia twiddle those beautiful hands all over a Stratocaster”. Meredith Lynch, resident pet hoarder, also didn’t know exactly what to make of what she saw. ...

White House: “Unlikely Trump said ‘shithole’ because it’s a two-syllable word”

14Jan

By jeff26 Comments

Politics

White House: “Unlikely Trump said ‘shithole’ because it’s a two-syllable word”

White House Press Secretary Raj Shah released a statement yesterday concerning President Trump and his referring to some immigrant countries as "shitholes". Mr. Shah said that it was unlikely that the president used this term since it was a multi-syllabic word--or, according to President Trump, "it had more than one sybable." According to lawmakers who met with the president in the Oval Office last Thursday, Trump used the expression after retiring protections were suggested for immigrants from Haiti, El Salvador, and some African countries. "The president is fighting for what's best for America," Mr. Shah said emphatically. "And what's best for America is to fight with everyone else." During the discussion, President Trump suggested that America bring in more people from countries th...

Al Franken Apologizes for Being too Loving

26Nov

By jeff9 Comments

Politics

Al Franken Apologizes for Being too Loving

Al Franken, dogged by multiple, mistaken harassment claims and photographic evidence, bravely faced the public and released a statement of apology--privately, through his representative. "I am a warm person," Senator Franken said openly (and warmly, we might add). "I like to hug people. And when I say hug people, I mean ALL of people - I leave no part un-hugged. I especially feel like the lower back area is sad all the time because it goes without hugs, so I try to make up for that by hugging it with my hands, mostly." "And if they mistook that for something else, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm too loving." Senator Franken (D) of Minnesota has been serving politically for almost ten years now, and serving up hugs for much, much longer. As seen in the captured image above, Mr...