Celebrities

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger
25Feb By jeff37 Comments
Celebrities

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger

All we need is Beyonce In shocking news last week, the United Nations World Food Programme announced an official end to world hunger. The reason: Beyonce's pregnancy photos. "Shocking? Puh-leeeease!" said one irate beehive member in response to how this colossal news is being characterized. "What's so shocking about the Queen solving world problems?! Tell me. I ain't even playing right now." According to the UN (and other programs all over the globe), people no longer feel the desire to eat; or really do anything except stare at Bey. "When we arrive on site to poverty stricken areas," offered one UN doctor, "we are not being met with hordes of hungry people asking for rice or other grains anymore.  They are asking us for Instagram." We interviewed a number of people from various coun...
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Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon
22Feb By jeff1060 Comments
Celebrities

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

NEPTUNE CITY, NJ—Silver screen legend Jack Nicholson, best known for his performances in movies such as The Shining, Batman, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was visiting his hometown in New Jersey when he got into a “misunderstanding” with a normal person named Hank (who reportedly makes 4,000 dollars a month and drives a Prius) at the intersection of Main St. and 6th. According to eye-witnesses, the “misunderstanding” arose when Hank had the audacity to put on his blinker and slow to make a right turn just before Mr. Nicholson, who was driving behind him, attempted to make that same turn first.  And then, to add insult to injury, Hank shamelessly screamed back at Mr. Nicholson, mistaking him for an ordinary irate nutjob, as he jumped onto the hood of Hank’s car and began to smash ...
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Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now
10Dec By jeff20 Comments
Celebrities

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now

We’ve lived on this planet for thirty-five years now, and though we have easily adopted their mannerisms, assumed their practices, and assimilated their languages, we think it’s safe to say there are some things that we will never understand – as sure as Rumyliak has three suns and Gorpin was a grifter. Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “celebrities”. For the longest time, we thought the humans were reviving the study of Astrology because of their constant references to the stars. Only later did Mhkkiklab point out that they were actually referring to people. And so, logically, our subsequent debate was on whether or not these particular humans had a higher atomic number count than most. Need...
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Scientists Sample Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Fat to Understand Source of Popularity
20Oct By jeff18 Comments
Celebrities, Sci-Tech

Scientists Sample Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Fat to Understand Source of Popularity

A few dozen scientists from the Institute of Research got together last week to examine a mystery that has confounded some of the brightest minds in our society: the popularity of Jessica Simpson’s fluctuating body weight. This groundbreaking research, though focusing specifically on Ms. Simpson, was expected to shed light on the reason behind the public’s continuing obsession over things generally regarded as private. Already gaining notoriety in the scientific community, this is not the first time this group of scientists have worked together on a project of this magnitude.  You may recall their work with Beiber’s hair and Lady Gaga’s brain a few years back. The team took fat samples from Ms. Simpson and compared them with samples from three completely unknown and (they were ass...
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Kim and Kanye Name Baby “North West” because “Latitude” and “Longitude” Taken
21Jun By jeff14 Comments
Celebrities

Kim and Kanye Name Baby “North West” because “Latitude” and “Longitude” Taken

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, forever in the public eye (somewhere between the iris and the cornea), recently announced the birth and name of their daughter. According to our inside sources, the happy couple, because of their aspirations for their daughter to be a global citizen, finally settled on a type of name relating to maps. But, after realizing that their favorites–Longitude, Latitude, and Northern Hemisphere–were taken, they eventually went with her official name, North West. For those who would cry foul and accuse Kim and Kanye of being just another celebrity couple who are parenting their kid for the press and media attention and not actually in the interests of the child, you are obviously not thinking this through. The answer is solidarity.  If celebrities start na...
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Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say
17Feb By jeff22 Comments
Celebrities

Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say

According to a contact of ours that has a very, very close acquaintance that knows people who are “in the know”, those particular people always know what they’re talking about when they talk about things heard from actual friends of celebrities. In other words, we have it on good authority that our source’s hearsay is authoritative. Our gossip is so good that we’ve been approached by OMG! and TMZ on a number of occasions to fill in the tiniest gaps on their usually solid stories. If you haven’t heard, we were the ones who gave them these juicy bits: -Lady Gaga to sue Ice Cream Limited for production of ice cream machine strap-on bra (called Malted Mammaries) -Matt Damon takes a really big bite of his cheeseburger (at an Italian restaurant!) -Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan to...
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