Author: jeff

Has been a self-published author for almost twenty years now - these works have been awarded self-recognition and similar acclaim for almost just as long. On top of this, he has many, many unfinished but soon to be self-published works on the way. *Biographical info also included
Al Franken Apologizes for Being too Loving
26Nov By jeff9 Comments
Politics

Al Franken Apologizes for Being too Loving

Al Franken, dogged by multiple, mistaken harassment claims and photographic evidence, bravely faced the public and released a statement of apology--privately, through his representative. "I am a warm person," Senator Franken said openly (and warmly, we might add).  "I like to hug people.  And when I say hug people, I mean ALL of people - I leave no part un-hugged.  I especially feel like the lower back area is sad all the time because it goes without hugs, so I try to make up for that by hugging it with my hands, mostly." "And if they mistook that for something else, then I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I'm too loving." Senator Franken (D) of Minnesota has been serving politically for almost ten years now, and serving up hugs for much, much longer. As seen in the captured image above, Mr...
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Hipster Loses Non-Prescription Glasses–Still runs into Parked Bus
23Oct By jeff34 Comments
Society

Hipster Loses Non-Prescription Glasses–Still runs into Parked Bus

Last Saturday morning, as the dawn sloughed off its Chicago overcoat and lifted its red face like a Russian flag on a Florida honeymoon, a hipster hit the streets. And then a parked bus. Arthur Oscar Ramone IX blamed it partly on not having his specs, and partly on the juice jolt iron boxes of the mainstream that pollute our atmospheres and alleyways. "I used to know this guy," Arthur began, "who had rabbit's blood and the face of a Harlem sunset.  He only hung with Roundheels and always knew his groceries.  Man, that guy knew his groceries.  EVERY night was littered with dead soldiers and boiled cabbage.  People--mainstreamers--thought his roof was leaking, you know, but he was straight from the fridge. Then he lost his glasses." At this point, we assumed that Arthur had su...
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Disgruntled Employee Remembers Early ‘Gruntled Days’
18Oct By jeff12 Comments
Society

Disgruntled Employee Remembers Early ‘Gruntled Days’

Tom Seether, well into his late thirties now, works at Middlemen Incorporated, a company dedicated to providing services for "middle men".  He's disgruntled now. But things weren't always this way. "I remember when I was so new and gruntled," Tom recalled. "So gruntled," he added with a slight sigh. "And that's exactly what I call them now: the good ole gruntled days." We asked his colleagues and they confirmed. "I didn't think an employee could be as gruntled as Tom was," one of his colleagues offered.  "His gruntled-ness was almost contagious...almost." "We're the middle men for the middle man industry," Tom said sardonically.  "If you have a service that connects the consumer to another service, then we're here to serve your service," he continued, in mocking recitation. ...
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Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention
4Oct By jeff59 Comments
Local Man

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention

Area resident and father of two, Harry Fits, was accused yesterday of sneezing under false pretenses.  Initially, neighbors thought nothing of the first two; and according to eye-witnesses, they were willing to wait it out and give him a "God bless you" even after the fifth and sixth one. But when he reached twelve, they had had enough. "Come on," said one angry neighbor in an irritated voice, slowly drawing out each word while rolling her eyes.  "Have you ever heard of someone sneezing eighteen times!  In a row!  It's ridiculous and we shouldn't have to stand for it." Another cul-de-sac comrade said, "It would be one thing if his fraudulent fit were done quietly, but no, he has to scream while doing it too?  You know what I'm talking about - those people that feel the need to sca...
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Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles
13Aug By jeff13 Comments
U.S.

Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles

"I lost my marbles!" Gary exclaimed in a near fever-pitch frenzy as he rallied all his dorm buddies from their quiet collegiate slumber. "Josh!  Clint!  Armitage!  You know how I get without my F***ING MARBLES!" he pleaded, now in complete hysterics. Gary Choad, an avid white piece only chess player and current resident assistant at UVA (University of Virginia), has had a fascination with little balls his whole life.  And his prized marbles--housed in a white velvet sack and monogrammed with his own initials--are known to friends and family alike as 'off limits'. We talked to some of Gary's compatriots to see how the hunt was coming and to ask if they were forming a study group later. "We haven't been this pumped since a Gap opened on campus," one searcher said cheerily.  "Even...
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Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat
30Jul By jeff17 Comments
ENTMT, Sports

Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat

  We just received a raven from the Citadel and it appears Lavar Ball of the House of Ball, first of his name, has thrown down the iron gauntlet (made specially from the Iron Isles) and demanded that Ser Gregor Clegane, The Mountain, of the House of Scare the Hell out of Everyone, leave the Red Keep at once and face him in open combat. This is not the first time we've heard grand boasts from the Lord of Ball Nation, and it certainly won't be the last.  Well maybe. "He's a big ole WUSSY!" Lord Ball exclaimed.  "Mount Wussy Wuss Face is his true name!  And it's time to make that mountain into a mole hill!" During this very ambitious and very long speech, one that men will surely sing about and women will one day teach to their children, Lord Ball expounded upon a litany of accomplis...
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