Author: jeff

Has been a self-published author for almost twenty years now - these works have been awarded self-recognition and similar acclaim for almost just as long. On top of this, he has many, many unfinished but soon to be self-published works on the way. *Biographical info also included
Five Myths about Myths
10Jan By jeff23 Comments
Society

Five Myths about Myths

1.  Myths actually exist (subtle double/triple meaning not intentional…or was it?). 2.  Some myths are perceived as greater or lesser myths based on the author, appropriate contextual language, and frequency of dragons (for the reason why number 2 is a myth please refer to number 1). *As a clarification to number two, in the historical sciences, these myths are termed as Mythy Myths and are more mythy or less mythy based on their score in the official Rubric for Accurately Designating Mythy Myths and Legendary Legends.  This has led to such common expressions among scholars as “That’s the mythiest myth I’ve ever come across!” 3.  Any jokes or puns used to connect the word “myth” with “miss” are funny. 4.  Any jobs related to the study or creation of myths are actual jobs (again...
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Only thing ‘The Last Jedi’ Needed was a Purple-Haired Laura Dern—Oh Wait
17Dec By jeff16 Comments
ENTMT

Only thing ‘The Last Jedi’ Needed was a Purple-Haired Laura Dern—Oh Wait

According to every major poll in galaxies near and far, far away, the one thing fans were hoping would finally be added to the Star Wars universe: a purple-haired Laura Dern. And they were not disappointed. With all the acting chops of a Mark Hamill or Chewbacca, Dern brings with her the kind of potential that could create another classic climactic moment, similar to the one where Luke denied his feelings and his father, Lord Vader. "Noooooooooooo!" said one faithful fan and part-time critic of the space saga.  "We cannot live without her. From the moment we met her in Jurassic Park (who could ever forget the scene where she says 'run' five times and then screams it as she begins to run?), we knew we couldn't live without her." Some viewers, who have become accustomed to the co...
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Longtime CSI Viewers to Finally get Honorary Forensics Degree
16Dec By jeff14 Comments
Society

Longtime CSI Viewers to Finally get Honorary Forensics Degree

The once very popular television series, Crime Scene Investigation, which aired from 2000 to 2015, has recently announced that it will finally be able to properly reward viewers for their years and years of investment in the field of Forensic Science. In collaboration with Boston State University, a school well known for its exceptional forensics program, CSI will now be issuing an MS in Biomedical Forensic Sciences to any fan that has completed eight full seasons of the show. "It's about flipping time," one fan said.  "I could've gone to school for this, but I decided to, you know, not." The longtime running drama about a "team of forensic investigators trained to solve criminal cases by scouring the crime scene" has successfully created millions of more fully trained and capable...
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LaVar Ball: “I’m the Last Targaryen”
11Dec By jeff17 Comments
Sports

LaVar Ball: “I’m the Last Targaryen”

LaVar Ball, first of his glorious name, has borne a "heavy burden" for far too long, and may the Balls grant him the strength to carry it. In an emotional (mostly on our end) and entirely exclusive interview, Lord Ball, after much soul-searching, revealed a very intimate and personal detail of his life that he decided he could never not go public with: "I am the last Targaryen." At that moment a cold wind blew in from the north and made the trees rustle like living things.  Our key grip annoyingly noted that someone opened a window at that moment, but he's also an idiot. "I know I've said a lot of things in the past," Lord Ball admitted.  "And I know that, technically, I'm saying something now because words are coming out of my mouth; but I'm not just saying things to say them....
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Celebrity Relationships now Measured in Dog Years
4Dec By jeff37 Comments
Celebrities

Celebrity Relationships now Measured in Dog Years

Celebrity relationships are best held to a different standard - not to say that it should necessarily be lower, per se, just different.  Since it's been well-established that celebrities are not normal human beings, but heavenly bodies, they shouldn't be held to regular, boring conceptions of love and commitment. By common standards, a long relationship is anywhere between 20 and 30 years.  By celebrity standards, however, a long-term commitment can be anywhere between one and five (months).  If a celebrity couple makes it past an inconceivable ten years, it leaves them open to criticism as to whether they were truly a celebrity, which would be far worse than if they were to break off the relationship. Think of it this way: we would never expect a puppy to live past 15 full years, so...
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Pop Music to Add a Third Chord
27Nov By jeff23 Comments
ENTMT

Pop Music to Add a Third Chord

A representative for Pop Music, formerly a rep for Bubblegum Pop, and before that, Cotton Candy Pop, recently announced a major change for the genre: A new chord. The official, Mr. Brad Lissener, made the announcement in the wake of revelations that World Music was getting rid of one because it had way too many. "Today marks the beginning of a new era for our genre," began Mr. Lissener.  "After years and years of making songs that really could all be mashed together into one 2,000 hour-long song, we have decided to increase the number of official, distinct chords to three." Yanni, the current spokesman for his own "genre", saw the move as a step in the right direction: "First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the world for making me: right out of its bea...
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