jeff – Page 5 – Iron E-News

Millennials to Put an Acronym on Presidential Ticket

30Jan

By jeff13 Comments

Politics

Millennials to Put an Acronym on Presidential Ticket

An independent political group, Millennials in Politics (MIP), has initiated a petition to put the acronym SMH (shaking my head) on the 2020 presidential ballot. Their petition was successful. Scott Warner, the group's representative, said the decision was an obvious one. "ICYMI, POTUS is NSFW anymore," Scott said cryptically. "BTW, YW." Apparently, YW, which we discovered means "you're welcome", was one of the runner ups during the voting process. FYI, here is a list of acronyms that were vying for a place in the independent ticket: SMH (shaking my head) YW (you're welcome) FTW (for the win) YOPOUYGR (you're only president once unless you get reelected) JK (just kidding) IMHO (in my humble opinion) According to Scott, the acronym was an easy choice bec...

Local Barbecue Found with Weapons Grade Masculinity

30Jan

By jeff21 Comments

U.S.

Local Barbecue Found with Weapons Grade Masculinity

FORT WORTH--An area residence is under investigation tonight after a vigilant neighbor, Sarah Noyeen, called in to report "dangerous levels of masculine behavior" happening right over their shared fence. According to the neighbor, every weekend, Nathaniel Keen gets together with a group of man friends to mansplain the world's issues and do God-else-knows-what. "They drink tons of beer, tell inappropriate jokes, and even wrestle each other on the ground!" Sarah said with eyes widening. "They're gross and needed to be stopped." At Sarah's behest, a Neighborhood Watch team was assembled and sent to the house, along with two local security guards who normally patrol the area. The head of the Watch told us that she uncovered a stash of over 100 bottles of homemade BBQ sauce in the ki...

Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Extreme Redundancy

21Jan

By jeff12 Comments

Politics

Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Extreme Redundancy

Satirical papers across the country are announcing that President Trump will no longer be considered a target of ridicule and general lampooning because, according to them, "it's getting old". "It's a Catch-22, really," said one Onion editor. "There's so much material there, but there's no more story, if you know what I mean. He's the perfect subject for satire, but also the worst. Every time he does something, we're realizing that it looks all too familiar - as if it's been done and written about ad nauseam." Most sites are admitting that their current stories on the president are mostly links to old stories referencing previous behavior. "I used to listen to the Weezer blue album on repeat back in high school," offered one writer for Iron-E News, "and I'm sure it drove my pare...

Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians

15Jan

By jeff24 Comments

ENTMT

Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians

In a rare and exclusive press conference yesterday, a representative of the cosmos revealed an answer to a one of life's most fundamental yet elusive questions: why are we here? "The short answer: KUWTK," the representative disclosed. "The long answer, well that would take a few billion years. But yes, Kourtney, Kim, Khloé, Kris, Kylie, Kendall, and I guess even Rob - this is why everything is here, why you and I are here." This revelation, coming on the heels of KUWTK's 15th season, is no surprise to the show's producers. "We have over 2 million viewers," Mr. Seacrest said proudly. "And if poor people had TVs, it would be a lot more, which is why we are announcing our new spin-off series, Kourtney and Kim Take the Third World! After the smashing success of spin-offs like Kourt...

10Jan

By jeff15 Comments

Society

Feeling Smart is the New Smart

Let's be honest, feeling smart is way better, and so much more important, than being smart. If you don't feel smart, how can you be self-confident? If you can't be self-confident, how can you be a success? If you can't be a success, how can you feel smart? See? It's easy. Here are some of the top ways to help yourself feel smart: -Use air-quotes a lot -Roll your eyes every time someone says something (especially if it sounds smart) -Carry around a solved Rubik's cube -Wear non-prescription glasses -Use in-group abbreviations whenever possible (The Times, Wash-Po, etc.) -Say you're part of a book club (or better, that you quit because they were reading dumb books) -Put on your 'serious face' more often -Use that one logical fallacy you remember from college in every argument ...

Dictionaries to become Like Wikipedia to Stay Relevant

9Jan

By jeff20 Comments

Society

Dictionaries to become Like Wikipedia to Stay Relevant

The major dictionaries of the world, like Oxford, Cambridge, Merriam-Webster, and thefreedictionary.com--once preeminent preservers of meaning and definition--are all abandoning centuries of etymological tradition to embrace a new and more fluid reality--one where you can define your own. This sort of DIY approach to truth is all the rage right now, and so institutions long considered archaic and out of touch are looking to regain relevancy among a population who won't be told how to live, who they are, or even what an 'is' is. In order to do this, all online dictionaries are now making themselves more like Wikipedia, but with everyone having admin privileges. "We're redefining ourselves, if you'll excuse the paronomasia," said James Murray, principal editor of the Oxford English ...