Author: jeff

Has been a self-published author for almost twenty years now - these works have been awarded self-recognition and similar acclaim for almost just as long. On top of this, he has many, many unfinished but soon to be self-published works on the way. *Biographical info also included
Man just Wishes We Could all Go Back to Eating Iceberg Lettuce Again
2Mar By jeff19 Comments
Society

Man just Wishes We Could all Go Back to Eating Iceberg Lettuce Again

Hugh Humphries went out to dinner with his family last night to a place they commonly frequent. He ordered a salad. Everything went downhill from there. "You know, I've finally gotten used to the fact that I have to eat salads for dinner now," Hugh offered morosely, "but does it have to be all weeds and grass? What happened to the days when you could go into a place, order a steak and baked potato, and know that your side salad was going to be mostly iceberg, cheese, and ranch dressing? I mean, can I have a little more insult with this injury, please?!" "Arugula, spinach, frisee, radicchio," Hugh said, becoming more agitated as he went on. "Mache, mizuna, purslane (what the **** is that?), speckled radicchio (yeah, cause normal radicchio isn't enough), Blushed Butter oak, Butter ...
Read More
Local Dad Says Belly didn’t Just happen Over Night
24Feb By jeff23 Comments
Local Man

Local Dad Says Belly didn’t Just happen Over Night

Area father, Rich Stout, has been in the spotlight recently for something that he says he's been working on for a number of years: his impressive belly. According to him, there is a prevalent misconception that such a generous protrusion of cushion pushin' is something that is easy to attain. "This (holding his bowlful of jelly) took me years," Rich confessed. "But a lot of people don't get that - they think that a 'dad gut' is something that is just handed out to you when you become a father, which is crazy." Multiple studies have shown that 95% of dads across the country don't get the ideal belly until 7 to 10 years into their marriage. To note, the results were the same regardless of changes in demographic. "Diet is key," Mr. Stout continued. "You're not gonna get this kin...
Read More
Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K!
10Feb By jeff29 Comments
Celebrities

Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K!

You don't have to be a celebrity to look like one - all you need is a little bit of cash. Here's what you do: go to your doctor right after you sell your house and tell him, "I want The Khloe Kardashian, please!" Your life, body, nose, eye, lip, face, and butt will never be the same. Iron E-OMG! sat down with Khloe Kardashian's first ever Instagram handle, KK (Disclaimer: this user is not the real Khloe Kardashian, is in no relation to, and in no way represents, the Kardashian/Jenner family or brand in any official capacity or otherwise) to get the full scoop on the star's recent but fabulous transformation. "Most people think you need a million dollars to look like a million dollars," KK told us. "But it's, like, not true - you could easily do it for at least a quarter million." ...
Read More
Science Confirms Men and Women not the Same Under their Pants
5Feb By jeff24 Comments
Sci-Tech

Science Confirms Men and Women not the Same Under their Pants

"It seems you have a penis, sir," confirms doctor. Men and women around the world are discovering their bodies are different...in the strangest of places. Billions of men are reporting one form of genitalia and billions of women are reporting something quite the opposite - and these two (what seem to be) puzzle pieces are leaving everyone puzzled. "I just never look down there," admitted college student Robbie Fernandez. "I mean, why would I? But let me tell you, when I did, I was seriously freaked out. I thought, 'THIS does not look normal'. I'm just lucky the doctor knew what it was." Robbie's local physician, Dr. Ido Noh, had his suspicions but did not want to make any hasty judgments. "When Mr. Fernandez came in and showed me, I have to say I wasn't 100 percent certain....
Read More
Marathoner Admits he Knows he Can Run for Free
31Jan By jeff32 Comments
Sports

Marathoner Admits he Knows he Can Run for Free

SAN FRANSISCO--Avid marathoner Brendon Pfeffer, originally from a small town outside of Toronto, has just admitted to us that he knows he doesn't have to pay someone money to run. In fact, he's known this since his very first marathon, which was just outside a small town in Portland. "Yeah, I know," Blake said in response to our question. "I just feel like it isn't a really good run unless it costs you a few hundred dollars." As a concerned news agency, Iron E-News, from time to time, has sent a team to various marathons big and small just to make sure that everyone there knows they are under no such obligation to spend money in order to run very, very long distances. We have found that, unlike Blake, not everyone knows. Here is one exchange at a marathon just outside a small...
Read More
ESPN Analyst Points out Patriots Always Win when He Points out Certain Statistics
31Jan By jeff22 Comments
Sports

ESPN Analyst Points out Patriots Always Win when He Points out Certain Statistics

ESPN analyst and NFL Live commentator, Stu Stishous, has stumbled on a powerful statistic that may just tip the odds in the Patriots favor: the statistic of him reading the right statistics. On Sunday February 3rd, the New England Patriots will face off against the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl 53 - what they don't know is that the game may have already been decided. "If I read the right set of stats on Brady and the Pats as I have in the past," Stu revealed, "I will cause the Rams to lose. That's mind-blowing." "And these aren't stats like 'Tom always wins when he pictures it in his mind beforehand'; they're stats like 'Tom is 10-2 against Pittsburgh in his career (including playoffs), with a 115.1 passer rating'. Think about that. But then you have to take into account that 'The...
Read More