Author: jeff

Has been a self-published author for almost twenty years now - these works have been awarded self-recognition and similar acclaim for almost just as long. On top of this, he has many, many unfinished but soon to be self-published works on the way. *Biographical info also included
North Korea to Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird!”
12Feb By jeff26 Comments
Dictators

North Korea to Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird!”

In the middle of yesterday’s high-level talks between the two Koreas–a country at war with itself since the early 50s–the North issued a shocking reversal of policy regarding its ever-mounting nuclear program. Here is a rough translation of the official statement: “For the love of God, BRING BACK THE FLAPPING BIRDS!  We’ll disarm.  We’ll unify.  We’ll do whatever you want!  Just give us our precious little birdie back!” This reversal came on the heels of a decision by Vietnamese developer, Dong Nguyen, to pull the popular game from online app stores. It’s safe to say the reaction he got over his highly pixelated two-dimensional game was…unexpected. Pulling in upwards of 50,000 USD a day through ads and quickly rising to the number one spot in online stores, Flappy Bird took ...
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Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now
10Dec By jeff20 Comments
Celebrities

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now

We’ve lived on this planet for thirty-five years now, and though we have easily adopted their mannerisms, assumed their practices, and assimilated their languages, we think it’s safe to say there are some things that we will never understand – as sure as Rumyliak has three suns and Gorpin was a grifter. Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “celebrities”. For the longest time, we thought the humans were reviving the study of Astrology because of their constant references to the stars. Only later did Mhkkiklab point out that they were actually referring to people. And so, logically, our subsequent debate was on whether or not these particular humans had a higher atomic number count than most. Need...
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Tiger Woods Still Getting White Dudes Really Really Pumped about Golf
21Nov By jeff14 Comments
Sports

Tiger Woods Still Getting White Dudes Really Really Pumped about Golf

No matter how poor Tiger Woods’ performance is on the course, he still has an uncanny ability to get people everywhere fired up about the sport. Especially white dudes. According to Scarborough Research data and, more recently, Nielsen’s 2013 sports media report, approximately 85-87% of golf fans are white; and of that number, the majority are over 55. These numbers, to many in the golf world, are revealing.  But they’re also raising a number of questions for those that follow the sport. The first, and most obvious question, of course, is “How are men from the Caucuses mountains getting TV reception?”  And the second, but equally penetrating: “Is golf the only channel?” “Well, yeah, now that you mention it, those numbers can’t be right,” said one TV analyst.  ”One would assu...
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Scientists Sample Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Fat to Understand Source of Popularity
20Oct By jeff18 Comments
Celebrities, Sci-Tech

Scientists Sample Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Fat to Understand Source of Popularity

A few dozen scientists from the Institute of Research got together last week to examine a mystery that has confounded some of the brightest minds in our society: the popularity of Jessica Simpson’s fluctuating body weight. This groundbreaking research, though focusing specifically on Ms. Simpson, was expected to shed light on the reason behind the public’s continuing obsession over things generally regarded as private. Already gaining notoriety in the scientific community, this is not the first time this group of scientists have worked together on a project of this magnitude.  You may recall their work with Beiber’s hair and Lady Gaga’s brain a few years back. The team took fat samples from Ms. Simpson and compared them with samples from three completely unknown and (they were ass...
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Congressional Step-Son Left in Charge During Shutdown
10Oct By jeff11 Comments
Politics

Congressional Step-Son Left in Charge During Shutdown

Last Tuesday, as Congress remained deadlocked over spending issues, the U.S. government came to a screeching halt.  This marked the eighteenth time we’ve had a government shutdown since 1977 and the first time the government hasn’t not shut down since the last time it didn’t shut down. Due to overwhelming concern over what might become of “the hill” and the country in their absence, a last minute vote was issued, and Benjamin Whirly, step-son to a congressman who sincerely wished to remain anonymous, was put “in charge” for the duration of the stalemate. His only condition was that everyone refer to him as “The Gatekeeper” for the rest of his life. “Yeah, I know some people are worried about my work ethic,” The Gatekeeper confessed.  “But would a lazy person do this?  (holds up un...
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Ringmaster Carney Turns Obama Scandals into Fun for the Whole Family
28Sep By jeff18 Comments
Politics

Ringmaster Carney Turns Obama Scandals into Fun for the Whole Family

In a colorful press conference held at the White House a few days ago, press secretary/circus master Jay Carney lived up to his last name as the Obama scandals piled up like elephants in a circus ring or clowns in a clown car. From Benghazi to the IRS to killing American citizens without trial to Michelle possibly changing her hair again to now this. Mr. Carney began the wildly entertaining event by reminding everyone that the Benghazi exhibition could be viewed in the smaller tent just outside the main arena under the banner “sideshow.” Just as he finished speaking, twenty military drones buzzed the big tent towing banners that read: Progress!! The president arrived with customary flair and, after issuing a brief statement, wowed the audience with his signature disappearing ac...
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