Author: jeff

Has been a self-published author for almost twenty years now - these works have been awarded self-recognition and similar acclaim for almost just as long. On top of this, he has many, many unfinished but soon to be self-published works on the way. *Biographical info also included
US Kids Say they Would Happily Read More Videos
1Mar By jeff10 Comments
U.S.

US Kids Say they Would Happily Read More Videos

  A recent survey conducted by the people at Gallup reveals that 10 out of 10 students would read a book everyday if it were converted into video format (or, at the very least, into a thread of compelling GIF files). They even said that they wouldn’t mind helping the adults with the conversion process since they usually had to help mom and dad and the grandparents with computer stuff anyway. We talked to a few kids about the popular PBS TV series, Reading Rainbow, to get their thoughts on the program and the importance of reading. “A TV show about reading? Isn’t that encouraging kids to watch TV and not read books?” one smart aleck kid asked.  “I mean, if you want us to read books, why do you keep making TV shows for us to watch?” Another kid, local know-it-all, Katy Mc...
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Grammarian Exposes Dangling Participle
28Feb By jeff21 Comments
U.S.

Grammarian Exposes Dangling Participle

Grammar specialist and former Literary Arts professor, Dr. Graham Hurnotzy, was the subject of a major academic inquest last year following the horrid scandal of an exposed participle during a faculty get-together gone wild. According to his colleagues, Dr. Hurnotzy got a bit rambunctious after their quiz bowl win and lost all sense of propriety. “I just don’t know what he was thinking,” one tenured professor admitted.  “It was shocking, really.” Dangling out there for the whole world to see, the good Dr. claimed that it was all a misunderstanding and that he was merely showing them what not to do when constructing their sentences. “Uhuh, right,” responded another faculty member quite skeptically.  “And participial phrases don’t need gerunds (chuckles sarcastically).  Am I righ...
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How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People
28Feb By jeff26 Comments
Internets

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

1. Send gaming invites every day.  This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends.  Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care. 2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that people know you haven’t changed in the last hour. 3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow cat posters - "Today is better than yesterday because you’re in it”. 4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow cat posters. 6. Use your update status as your own personal diary – no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out. 7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period – you know, when they’re not funny anymore.  Because when they’re finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of the...
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Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL
27Feb By jeff27 Comments
Internets

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe. Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light. Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying. Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses. The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the perpetrators are simply grinning while typing. Even more disturbing is the revelation that ninety-eight to ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the ground in hysterics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed. “We shou...
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Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger
25Feb By jeff37 Comments
Celebrities

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger

All we need is Beyonce In shocking news last week, the United Nations World Food Programme announced an official end to world hunger. The reason: Beyonce's pregnancy photos. "Shocking? Puh-leeeease!" said one irate beehive member in response to how this colossal news is being characterized. "What's so shocking about the Queen solving world problems?! Tell me. I ain't even playing right now." According to the UN (and other programs all over the globe), people no longer feel the desire to eat; or really do anything except stare at Bey. "When we arrive on site to poverty stricken areas," offered one UN doctor, "we are not being met with hordes of hungry people asking for rice or other grains anymore.  They are asking us for Instagram." We interviewed a number of people from various coun...
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New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America
23Feb By jeff12 Comments
Politics

New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America

Scientists with the Smithsonian Institution have stumbled on the find of a lifetime!  A species long purported to be extinct–the infamous dodo bird. Though, technically, this particular bird, Anus Coulterus, is suspected to be a cross-breed between a dodo and some kind of cuckoo. Last week, the team was studying a pair of newly transported condor falcons at a local zoo when they happened upon the unpredictable animal. “There we were, walking by the elephant area, when we heard the most God-awful sound,” reported the team leader.  “Remember, Laura?  You actually said, ‘Oh good Lord!  What is that?!  It sounds like Satan giving birth to a pterodactyl!”  So we went over to investigate and there it was, covered in elephant dung!  For some reason, it had been subsisting mostly on the f...
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