Author: jeff

Has been a self-published author for almost twenty years now - these works have been awarded self-recognition and similar acclaim for almost just as long. On top of this, he has many, many unfinished but soon to be self-published works on the way. *Biographical info also included
Eric says Canadian Girlfriend Definitely Coming to Visit this Summer
9Dec By jeff2 Comments
Society

Eric says Canadian Girlfriend Definitely Coming to Visit this Summer

Area 9th grader, Eric Burgess, has informed everyone that his long-term girlfriend of many years is finally coming to see him. "It's happening!" Eric told his friends, who looked up quizzically. "Jennifer is coming this weekend!" "Who?" asked his brother, Todd. "Riiiiight," replied Brian, who lived one block over from Todd and Eric. "And Justin Bieber is taking me to see the Red Sox on Sunday. He's got us box seats and everything." "Oh, JENNIFER," Todd said mockingly. "Jennifer is coming. We all get to finally meet Jennifer. The girl who definitely exists. The girl who has been sending love letters in Eric's handwriting for years. The girl who couldn't come one time because she got mono." "And that one time because all the Canadian planes were down," Brian added. "And the...
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Kid would have Totally Beaten the Entire Game if it hadn’t Cheated
22Aug By jeff15 Comments
Society

Kid would have Totally Beaten the Entire Game if it hadn’t Cheated

Little Bobby Clump got all the way to the last level of his favorite video game the other day when it happened again. "I was at the big brain!" Bobby exclaimed to his mother as she unloaded the groceries from the car. "At the BRAIN!" he shouted, enunciating the word "brain" so the significance wouldn't be lost on her. "Bobby, I don't know what you're talking about," replied his woefully ignorant mother, sadly detached and uninformed about the great evils that he had been trying to defeat and the incomparable skill that it takes to defeat them. "That stupid game! It cheats!" he yelled at his brother, Timmy, who nodded sympathetically, knowing exactly what his older, wiser brother was talking about. Timmy, feeling a wave of commiseration, spent the next twenty minutes explaining...
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All Conspiracies come from Russian Bots, Credible Online Source Reveals
21Aug By jeff20 Comments
World

All Conspiracies come from Russian Bots, Credible Online Source Reveals

According to a credible online source, every modern-day conspiracy since the late 1960s originated from bots whose location has been traced to somewhere deep inside the Kremlin. Various theories from chemtrails used as biological warfare (AKA Secret Large-scale Atmospheric Program) to 9/11 being faked to the idea that there is only one yawn in the world which is simply being passed around, have apparently all come from the same source: Russian bots. These programs, codenamed "Matryoshkas" have remained undetectable for decades. By placing a tiny piece of code inside of a slightly larger piece of code inside of a larger string of code, they made them almost impossible to find. The report goes on to reveal that these digital agitators were initially developed, not by the Russians, ...
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Man Watching Sports Match thinks he Could Easily do that Too if he Tried
20Aug By jeff15 Comments
Sports

Man Watching Sports Match thinks he Could Easily do that Too if he Tried

Richard Head stumbled on a football match last Saturday and was fairly unimpressed. "Meh," he said to himself as he grabbed another beer. "I could do that." His longtime girlfriend, Emily, nodded and said, "Mhmm." "Please," he rebutted, "run around and kick a ball into a huge net? Easy." Richard recalled his early days when he was strong, coordinated, and 20 years younger. He dominated neighborhood pickup games and was consistently called "fairly athletic for his size" by multiple people. "Hey, I played in college, remember?" he continued, disturbed by Emily's skepticism. "You played DURING college, Richard," she replied. "Playing on a men's team while you were in college is not the same as playing collegiate sports. There's a huge difference. And now you're saying you ...
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Elderly Woman Recalls what a Book Was
19Aug By jeff24 Comments
Society

Elderly Woman Recalls what a Book Was

A dim light from the kitchen flickers occasionally as she adjusts herself on an old rocking chair. She takes something from the table and blows the dust off. She says it’s a book. It has a hard cover and is filled with paper, apparently bound together so you can flip through it. Hm. We try swiping the front of it with two fingers but nothing happens. “I remember when I was four years old,” she says, then pauses for an eternity. We thought she might have…yep, she fell asleep. We glance at each other then lift the book in front of her face to try and access it that way but no joy. We let the object fall onto the table so it makes a loud thud. “I remember when I was four years old,” she says again, as if nothing had happened. “I got that book for my birthday.” Our mind...
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Shanghai Sesame Street Teaches Kids College Level Words
5May By jeff36 Comments
China

Shanghai Sesame Street Teaches Kids College Level Words

Little Xiao Xiao wakes up every Saturday morning, eats a jian bing, and turns on channel 21. Because Sesame Street is on. "I call the puppets Da Bai (hazmat workers)!" screamed an excited Xiao Xiao. "They teach me so many good English words. Of course, (President) Xi is the one controlling them so I owe all my learning to him. Who knew he was so great at puppetry!" Ernie holds a letter d in his hand and sings while Cookie Monster dines on his dessert of choice. The word of today, of course, is 'draconian', and Xiao Xiao has probably repeated it a million times. According to the Shanghai Education Bureau, children are far more likely to act like adults if they are treated like adults. And adults are not to be trusted to make their own decisions so they must be treated like smaller, youn...
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